Baby. Number. Three.

Sorry, this isn’t a post to tell you about a wonderful addition to our family, but instead the stress those three words cause for me. What many people don’t  know is that for the past two plus years I have been TTC.

See, I knew their might be some issues because I was told so before I had Gavin. I have PCOS and it’s common to have fertility issues with that. However after having Johnny as a teenager and then another unplanned pregnancy when I was engaged I thought maybe my OB didn’t know what she was talking about. After all,  if I could manage to get pregnant twice while on birth control how hard could it really be trying.

So we tried and nothing happened. I let my OB know what was going on and she got me in touch with the fertility specialist after 6 months with no luck on our own. She then got me started on medications. Nothing fancy and told me it shouldn’t be long…

Next thing I knew it was a year later and I was getting ultrasounds every three days. Baby was the only word I could get my brain around and we still weren’t  getting anywhere. I snapped emotionally and it was time to take a break.

I thought a break would help. I had a glimmer of hope that it would happen on our own as well. Staying out of the dr. office did good for me to begin functioning again but it did other things to I wasn’t prepared for.

I had made a promise to myself (and my husband) that I would be done by the time I turned 30 and two years previous it didn’t phase me to think that way thinking everything I wanted would have happened by then. Now things are so different. I’ve been back in for about six months again and my 30th birthday is now less  than 3 months away and hubby wants to stop and move on with life. I’m still on both oral and injectable meds and I’m back to getting ultrasounds every three days and nothing is happening.

How do I give up on the idea of having my last baby? How do I continue torturing myself? I know many of you are thinking I’m so young to give up but please remember I have a ten year old and my youngest is starting kindergarten this  fall. My hubby and I never experienced our twenties the way most have and he wants there to start being more freedom for us. Having another baby is like  starting all over again. How do I refuse him that?

I promised the hubby I wouldn’t talk about this with anyone. His family has no clue we’ve been trying and I said I wouldn’t blog but I’m struggling with so many thoughts. My family knows but they think I’m pushing against odds and wishing a sick baby upon us and tell me I should stop and be grateful for the two healthy boys I already have, but really?

Am I being selfish? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to want one more? And why would you say I’m asking for an unhealthy baby just because it won’t happen naturally?

As you can see I’m so emotionally torn. I’m so confused at what to do. Of course the levels of the fertility drugs I’m regularly on also adds to my emotional  responses. I know you guys don’t have the answers but while I struggle with personal posts I figured it’s time to tell you about my biggest personal struggle and maybe talking about it with others will help somehow.

About Jennifer

Jennifer, the mom behind the Mom Spotted blog, is located in Western Massachusetts. She has three boys, Johnny (15), Gavin (9), & Sawyer (3). She is married to her high school sweetheart. On Mom Spotted you’ll find a fun selection of recipes, family fun, product reviews, and more! You can also find her on twitter @MomSpotted and Facebook.



Comments

  1. Jennifer says:

    I’m so sorry. I’ve watched a couple of friends with PCOS try for the past 9 years to get pregnant. I can only imagine how it feels. Yes you are lucky to have your two boys but there is nothing wrong with wanting another child. Only you and your husband know what is exactly right for your family.

  2. Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves says:

    I struggled with infertility for six years before I was able to conceive our first child. I had always planned on having our children when I was in my 20s but because it took so long I didn’t have kids until I was 31 and 33. I know very well how terribly stressful it is to have fertility issues, how it takes over everything you think about, and how hard it is to know if you should keep struggling or give up on a dream.

    I have no answers for you. It’s totally a personal thing. But I just wanted you to know that I understand that pain and confusion and EXHAUSTION from having to deal with that for years and years.

    Peace to you.

  3. Peggy says:

    Jennifer, you are faced with a tough struggle…. I feel for you! I also feel your pain. I lost my marriage over more children.. My second marriage almost didn’t come to be over more children. It is a very tough issue. I have always wanted more children… I have two. Due to fertility issues, they are 7 years apart. I have always wanted more. My ex did not. I lost one in between them and that just cemented to him that one was enough. I got pregnant with my son by chance and he felt two was enough. I kept pushing for a third and it ruined my marriage. Funny thing now is he is remarried with two little ones! Funny how life works.

    My current husband brought 3 kids to our marriage and didn’t want any more so I ended up getting more children anyway! 🙂 I had to give up any thoughts of having any more of my own, which was a very difficult decision. I love all three of my stepsons, just like I had them myself.

    You and your husband have to decide what is best for both of you.. but make sure you always keep communicating with each other and that your decision is something both of you can live with. Hugs and prayers to both of you..

  4. Sky says:

    Oh, sweetie. Hugs to you. I suffered with second infertility, 6 long years. It finally happened to us when I was okay with having only one child. I had let go of my hurt, anger and worry and bitterness. I started living again. I was finally at peace. Don’t let yourself get down to that low spot. Keep living, okay?

    I’m thinking of you and if you want to talk, please feel free to email me.

    ((HUGS))

  5. marybeth @ babygoodbuys.com says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this! Hugs to you!

  6. Heidijaneblankets says:

    Wow, I couldn’t even imagine. I seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and often think about how lucky I am. I think about people with fertility problems and could never imagine, like I said. Maybe one day after you start to forget, you will be surprised with another. Have you thought about surrogacy? Good luck, I really mean it!

  7. Katie says:

    ((hugs)) I hope talking about it has helped get some weight off your shoulders. We, too, struggled to get pregnant. I know how stressful it can be and how disappointing it can be. It’s ok to be emotional and upset as you go through this. I hope that you’re able to come to some resolution with how you plan to handle this as you turn 30. FWIW, I was 35 when I had my daughter and while it may make enjoying retirement a little harder, it was definitely worth the wait.

  8. Melanie Johnson says:

    You will never regret the baby you have, only the baby you didn’t have. I went through six miscarriages in two years before I got my “starting over” baby. Best thing I ever did. I enjoy her so much as mom in my (late) thirties, than I did my others as a mom in my twenties. As for my freedom? There’s not much that I would be doing without her, that I could do with her. Hope that helps.

  9. Jenny says:

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this. We went through infertility for 2 years and had 5 IUI’s before I got pregnant with Abby. While I think about the possibility of having another every single day, we’ve decided to just have one child. Abby is almost 7.

    I don’t have any answers for you. I hope you are able to decide what to do and have peace with either decision.

  10. Christy says:

    {Hugs}

    I have no words, but want you to know I am thinking about you.

  11. Tara says:

    Wow, I’m so sorry you are struggling with this. It’s got to be heart wrenching to give up the idea of another baby, no matter how many children you have. Of course I don’t have the answers either, but just know I can understand being emotional about this. I hope you and your husband can come to the same peace in your hearts.

  12. Sara Phillips says:

    I am horrible with words – so ((HUG))!!

  13. Amanda Alvarado says:

    Your post brought tears to my eyes! We have been TTC for almost 2 yrs now also (no drugs or fertility treatment yet) after losing our 2nd dd at 30 wks pg. We have a 17 yo ds and a 3 yo dd (yes a big age gap. I had ds in HS too). Dd#1 was conceived in a month and dd#2 was a surprise conception when dd#1 was 10 months. We aren’t sure why we aren’t conceiving. I however am 34 (going on 35). I keep thinking maybe I am too old but we want 2 more. Dh comes from a family of 6 (from his mom) and another 6 from his dad. I thought I didn’t want anymore kids after 25 but then I met dh when I was 30. My sister too is having problems conceiving. Her and her dh have started going the in-vitro route (she just turned 32 and he just turned 37). They have been trying for 2 yrs (since they got married). There is nothing wrong with either of them. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone!

  14. Donna Roucoulet says:

    I can definitely relate. I struggled with infertility after my 2nd child too. I did the tests, procedures, medications (oral and injectible), and all I had to show for it was a miscarriage along the way. In our case, Fate stepped in and we were asked to adopt our unborn nephew, who, when he was born, was premature – so a lot of my time was focused on him. I can’t tell you how many people said, when you adopt him, you’ll wind up getting pregnant, and I just looked at them like they were crazy. Well, they weren’t crazy – I did end up pregnant with my last child then – 9 years after giving birth to my 2nd child. No medications, no assistance in any way – there she was, my last daughter.

    I’m not saying it will happen to you. What I am saying is that sometimes once we “give up”, another plan comes along. I had stopped doing medications & things before we adopted, or even knew about, our son. I had more or less resigned myself to being the mom of two fabulous children, even if I didn’t feel I was done. Apparently it wasn’t all up to me though – and things changed drastically.

    You may have to accept it for now, but nature has a funny way of working things out, so never give up on the dream. You may find yourself very surprised one day. Take care, and try to stop and enjoy the life you have now. I know how hard that is, believe me. Feel free to email me if you ever need someone’s shoulder to cry on, or just need to chat to someone who’s been there.

  15. Mimi says:

    I had my first baby at 22. Next came before I turned 24. Got married a 2nd time and had a son at 29 and a second son at 33. Yep that’s 4 for me. Here’s the “crazy” part, I hadn’t even given it a thought to be done having kids. Then 4 yrs ago my husband and I separated. My youngest was 4 yrs old so still young enough that I’d still think of having another one. Now I’m going to be 42 this year and I KNOW my years of having babies is over, but I had no choice in the matter. I kind of feel like it was stripped from me. Makes me sad, especially when I see photos of my babies. I saw a photo of me nursing my son for the very last time and I was a wreck seeing it. For some strange reason I’ve been having a lot of baby-itis lately.

    There are so many factors I can’t even begin to think about giving you advice. Since you ARE only 30, you still have some good years ahead of you if you want to try again after you’ve had some time with your husband without little ones. Who knows, maybe he’ll be missing having a little one in the house by then.

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with such a heavy load. Praying you guys can find some answers.

  16. I’m sorry that you are going through this – it seems so many more people are nowadays. It took us over 3 years and 2 rounds of IVF to get my daughter – she was born 3 weeks after my 35th birthday. She is almost 4, and I think we are done. I don’t think I can start over again – we are so happy with her, and are lucky that we had her.

    My SIL & BIL tried for 5 years and finally ended up adopting embryos – she was pregnant at 40 & had healthy twins at 41. They were about 10 months old when she discovered she was pregnant, naturally! So, she had another boy at 43! Now she is super duper busy all the time, of course! but what blessings…

    There are options, and I hope one of them works for you, but while you are trying and exploring those options, and discussing it with your husband, I hope that you can work through your feelings on your blog…

  17. anjelica says:

    I don’t know what to say besides I’m sorry. I hope you two can find some peace with this journey you have been on.

  18. ((Jennifer)) I’m so sorry, this is such a hard thing to face.

  19. Debbie Stanton says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time… I can relate to wanting just one more to complete our family… we have a big gap as our daughters are 12 and 15 years older than our son – whom we adopted at birth when I was 41. But the “gap” is a blessing in many ways and I’ve learned that families come in all shapes and sizes. Wishing you peace and health.

  20. TiffanyW says:

    We ttc for 3.5 years before getting pregnant so I know what you are going through. It is so unimaginably hard. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share but I don’t. I will keep you in my prayers.

  21. Kelly says:

    I really feel for you, only someone that has went through or is going through this can understand what you are going through. My husband and I have 3 children i always wanted a 4th child. I had a tubal ligation during my c-section something i knew i didn’t want to have done and regretted it since. due to my Epilipsy and the medications i take for it i felt it was best as to not put a child at risk. I did some research into getting a tubal reversal found a dr, then afterwards after having bloodwork done found out that my estrogen levels wern’t where they should be, this was at the age of 33 i found out that i was going into early menopause. I was devestated, looked into IVF very expensive. I thought about it still for a few years and to this day i can’t honestly say i would want to go through it now though. My husband don’t really want anymore he’s 43 and i’m 38 and he feels we are almost done raising our children and almost time for us time. I also think about the fact i don’t want to be mistaken for Grandma when i take my child to their 1st day of kindergarten LOL, i don’t want to be in my 50’s raising a teenager. I have a 19 yr old, 16yr and 13yr old so i definetly know what it’s like to raise teenagers LOL. Our 19 yr old got engaged in December and in January found out she is expecting so we are very excited to be grandparents this year so i think that is helping me get through the baby fever LOL. As someone who has been married for almost 20 years i can tell you that communication with your husband will get you through this, this has to be a decision made by the both of you, good luck i hope it all works itself out.

  22. Lauralee Hensley says:

    I’ll pray your miracle happens in this three months, so you don’t even have to deal with any other issues.
    God Bless you and your family.

  23. Jennifer H says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your struggle and I hope you find your answers soon! I wish I could offer some advice, but I truly don’t have any to offer. I will be thinking of you and wish you the best!!

  24. Joy says:

    You’re not selfish AT ALL! It is part of our nature to want to have children, a part of who we are as women. You are only doing what is natural. *HUGS*

  25. Emilie says:

    I don’t understand exactly how you feel since I haven’t struggled with fertility but I have struggled about having a third child. I don’t really feel like I’m done but my husband is now at the point of saying he thinks we are and that is hard.

    (HUGS)

  26. Amanda @MommyMandy says:

    It sucks to say I know how you feel. While Sam was not planned and I had her as a teenager when we decided to TTC #2 it took 18 months and finally clomid. After I became PG with Sarah I told myself I would never go through TTC again. The struggles and the well everything is overwhelming.

    Now it’s been 3 years since TTC #3 and when we decided t finally go with clomid again I was shocked I got PG so easily, but the heartbreak that came with the m/c, it just tore my heart in half. But it also made me realize how much I want that 3rd baby and how I know our family isn’t complete.

    But for the past 4 months since the m/c I feel almost like my life is in a stand still. I don’t want to do anything that will interfere with TTC and I am so sick of hearing from people “just relax and stop trying, it will happen”

    uhh… sorry but I don’t ovulate on my own, and if we just trying then it will never happen. People don’t realize what exactly goes into getting PG, They have no idea that you have to have the right CM and CP and even with that if your lining is off, or your progesterone is off it wont happen….. so many things that so many women take for granted. Also, the FF commuinty is amazing support.

    I think in your heart you know your not ready to give up on TTC.

    “When the world says give up, hope whispers .. try it one more time”

  27. Erica G says:

    I don’t think you are being selfish at all. I feel for you, your struggles, and your family. While I have not been through what you have been trough/are going through, I have had my struggles. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. That was the most awful time period of my life. Although I did nothing to cause the miscarriage, I still felt terrible. Since them I have had two helathy babies, but everytime I went to the doctor, it was a struggle. I worried that I would not hear the heartbeat, ot the ultrasound would show my worst fear happening again. I am sorry to read that you are struggling with this. I hope you and your husband are able to bring your feeling to the table and figure out something that works out for both of you. 🙂

  28. Deidra says:

    I realize this is an older post, but this is my first time on the site and it was on the sidebar. This sounds just like me. I will be 29 this year, my oldest is 10 and will be in 5th grade this year and my youngest will be 5 in 2 weeks and starting kindergarten in the fall. I so want another baby, but I just don’t know if it is going to happen. I’m just not ready to give up.

    • Jennifer says:

      I hope you don’t! I hope you get your miracle baby! That May I was told I would never have kids again and that July I found out without the help of anything my eggless body had produced a final egg and I was preggers!! Now I am the proud mama to an almost 13, 7 and 1 year old!

  29. Maria Iemma says:

    I am sorry to hear of your troubles. Wanting to have children and not being able to get pregnant is very stressful. My niece and nephew had to try four times before they were blessed with beautiful twin girls.

  30. gianna borden says:

    i hope that you get your miracle baby!!!! i feel for women who go through this, and wish there was something more that doctors could do!!! i am fortunately fertile as can be with my 4th baby coming, and i only wish every woman were like me… i wish you all the best!

  31. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I did not have Fertility treatments, however, I did have to have a hysterectomy when I was 27 years old and the grief and emotional turmoil can be overwhelming. I hope that you will be blessed with a child soon.

  32. Carol Nine says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your fertility problem. I wish you the best of luck in coping with it all.

  33. David Fultner says:

    WOWHO I thnk only great things to come.

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