Baby. Number. Three.

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Sorry, this isn’t a post to tell you about a wonderful addition to our family, but instead the stress those three words cause for me. What many people don’t  know is that for the past two plus years I have been TTC.

See, I knew their might be some issues because I was told so before I had Gavin. I have PCOS and it’s common to have fertility issues with that. However after having Johnny as a teenager and then another unplanned pregnancy when I was engaged I thought maybe my OB didn’t know what she was talking about. After all,  if I could manage to get pregnant twice while on birth control how hard could it really be trying.

So we tried and nothing happened. I let my OB know what was going on and she got me in touch with the fertility specialist after 6 months with no luck on our own. She then got me started on medications. Nothing fancy and told me it shouldn’t be long…

Next thing I knew it was a year later and I was getting ultrasounds every three days. Baby was the only word I could get my brain around and we still weren’t  getting anywhere. I snapped emotionally and it was time to take a break.

I thought a break would help. I had a glimmer of hope that it would happen on our own as well. Staying out of the dr. office did good for me to begin functioning again but it did other things to I wasn’t prepared for.

I had made a promise to myself (and my husband) that I would be done by the time I turned 30 and two years previous it didn’t phase me to think that way thinking everything I wanted would have happened by then. Now things are so different. I’ve been back in for about six months again and my 30th birthday is now less  than 3 months away and hubby wants to stop and move on with life. I’m still on both oral and injectable meds and I’m back to getting ultrasounds every three days and nothing is happening.

How do I give up on the idea of having my last baby? How do I continue torturing myself? I know many of you are thinking I’m so young to give up but please remember I have a ten year old and my youngest is starting kindergarten this  fall. My hubby and I never experienced our twenties the way most have and he wants there to start being more freedom for us. Having another baby is like  starting all over again. How do I refuse him that?

I promised the hubby I wouldn’t talk about this with anyone. His family has no clue we’ve been trying and I said I wouldn’t blog but I’m struggling with so many thoughts. My family knows but they think I’m pushing against odds and wishing a sick baby upon us and tell me I should stop and be grateful for the two healthy boys I already have, but really?

Am I being selfish? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to want one more? And why would you say I’m asking for an unhealthy baby just because it won’t happen naturally?

As you can see I’m so emotionally torn. I’m so confused at what to do. Of course the levels of the fertility drugs I’m regularly on also adds to my emotional  responses. I know you guys don’t have the answers but while I struggle with personal posts I figured it’s time to tell you about my biggest personal struggle and maybe talking about it with others will help somehow.

About Jennifer MomSpotted

Jennifer, the mom behind the Mom Spotted blog, is located in Western Ma. She has three boys, Johnny (13), Gavin (7), & Sawyer (2). She is married to her high school sweetheart. On Mom Spotted you'll find a fun selection of recipes, family fun, product reviews, and more! You can also find her on twitter @MomSpotted and Facebook.



Comments

  1. I really feel for you, only someone that has went through or is going through this can understand what you are going through. My husband and I have 3 children i always wanted a 4th child. I had a tubal ligation during my c-section something i knew i didn’t want to have done and regretted it since. due to my Epilipsy and the medications i take for it i felt it was best as to not put a child at risk. I did some research into getting a tubal reversal found a dr, then afterwards after having bloodwork done found out that my estrogen levels wern’t where they should be, this was at the age of 33 i found out that i was going into early menopause. I was devestated, looked into IVF very expensive. I thought about it still for a few years and to this day i can’t honestly say i would want to go through it now though. My husband don’t really want anymore he’s 43 and i’m 38 and he feels we are almost done raising our children and almost time for us time. I also think about the fact i don’t want to be mistaken for Grandma when i take my child to their 1st day of kindergarten LOL, i don’t want to be in my 50’s raising a teenager. I have a 19 yr old, 16yr and 13yr old so i definetly know what it’s like to raise teenagers LOL. Our 19 yr old got engaged in December and in January found out she is expecting so we are very excited to be grandparents this year so i think that is helping me get through the baby fever LOL. As someone who has been married for almost 20 years i can tell you that communication with your husband will get you through this, this has to be a decision made by the both of you, good luck i hope it all works itself out.

  2. Lauralee Hensley says:

    I’ll pray your miracle happens in this three months, so you don’t even have to deal with any other issues.
    God Bless you and your family.

  3. Jennifer H says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your struggle and I hope you find your answers soon! I wish I could offer some advice, but I truly don’t have any to offer. I will be thinking of you and wish you the best!!

  4. You’re not selfish AT ALL! It is part of our nature to want to have children, a part of who we are as women. You are only doing what is natural. *HUGS*

  5. I don’t understand exactly how you feel since I haven’t struggled with fertility but I have struggled about having a third child. I don’t really feel like I’m done but my husband is now at the point of saying he thinks we are and that is hard.

    (HUGS)

  6. Amanda @MommyMandy says:

    It sucks to say I know how you feel. While Sam was not planned and I had her as a teenager when we decided to TTC #2 it took 18 months and finally clomid. After I became PG with Sarah I told myself I would never go through TTC again. The struggles and the well everything is overwhelming.

    Now it’s been 3 years since TTC #3 and when we decided t finally go with clomid again I was shocked I got PG so easily, but the heartbreak that came with the m/c, it just tore my heart in half. But it also made me realize how much I want that 3rd baby and how I know our family isn’t complete.

    But for the past 4 months since the m/c I feel almost like my life is in a stand still. I don’t want to do anything that will interfere with TTC and I am so sick of hearing from people “just relax and stop trying, it will happen”

    uhh… sorry but I don’t ovulate on my own, and if we just trying then it will never happen. People don’t realize what exactly goes into getting PG, They have no idea that you have to have the right CM and CP and even with that if your lining is off, or your progesterone is off it wont happen….. so many things that so many women take for granted. Also, the FF commuinty is amazing support.

    I think in your heart you know your not ready to give up on TTC.

    “When the world says give up, hope whispers .. try it one more time”

  7. Erica G says:

    I don’t think you are being selfish at all. I feel for you, your struggles, and your family. While I have not been through what you have been trough/are going through, I have had my struggles. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. That was the most awful time period of my life. Although I did nothing to cause the miscarriage, I still felt terrible. Since them I have had two helathy babies, but everytime I went to the doctor, it was a struggle. I worried that I would not hear the heartbeat, ot the ultrasound would show my worst fear happening again. I am sorry to read that you are struggling with this. I hope you and your husband are able to bring your feeling to the table and figure out something that works out for both of you. :)

  8. I realize this is an older post, but this is my first time on the site and it was on the sidebar. This sounds just like me. I will be 29 this year, my oldest is 10 and will be in 5th grade this year and my youngest will be 5 in 2 weeks and starting kindergarten in the fall. I so want another baby, but I just don’t know if it is going to happen. I’m just not ready to give up.

    • Jennifer says:

      I hope you don’t! I hope you get your miracle baby! That May I was told I would never have kids again and that July I found out without the help of anything my eggless body had produced a final egg and I was preggers!! Now I am the proud mama to an almost 13, 7 and 1 year old!

  9. Maria Iemma says:

    I am sorry to hear of your troubles. Wanting to have children and not being able to get pregnant is very stressful. My niece and nephew had to try four times before they were blessed with beautiful twin girls.

  10. gianna borden says:

    i hope that you get your miracle baby!!!! i feel for women who go through this, and wish there was something more that doctors could do!!! i am fortunately fertile as can be with my 4th baby coming, and i only wish every woman were like me… i wish you all the best!

  11. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I did not have Fertility treatments, however, I did have to have a hysterectomy when I was 27 years old and the grief and emotional turmoil can be overwhelming. I hope that you will be blessed with a child soon.

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