Lately the topic of marriage has been popping up all over the place for me. Facebook, online forums, real life, you name it. The problem? It seems like no one takes it seriously these days. When I said those words “I do” I meant them. Til Death do us part. Don’t get me wrong I don’t live the perfect marriage and its share of problems. I have a friend who is getting a divorce. Luckily they didn’t get far enough to have any children so it’s just the two of them. They got married only months after meeting and I feel that’s half the problem. I’m not saying that means it’s set up to fail. I know plenty of relationships that last who didn’t know each other long but I feel that when it happens the couple is still in that ‘butterfly in the stomach’ stage. You’re still out to impress and no real issues have come out. At least that is the case for our friends, I know this isn’t everyone.
Sometimes I just feel like people jump in and realize it isn’t what they really wanted. They find out one wants kids, the other doesn’t. They want to move, the other doesn’t. Regardless of the reason in my life with people I know it seems that the reasons are always things that would have come out if they had just been discussed ahead of time or took the time to get to know each other they would have realized it wasn’t going to work.
Then what really threw me was a conversation I read on a forum. Now this post is not directed to that conversation at all it just struck a cord with me. Her husband and her broke up and she slept with someone else two weeks later. Then they got back together. Since they were only temporarily separated he considered it cheating and she did not. A comment on the board was “you were on a break, like Ross with Rachel” the problem? Ross and Rachel weren’t married and didn’t have any kids at the time. In my opinion I think that changes the game and the rules involved. I didn’t get involved in the conversation because I would have let loose and it wouldn’t have gone over well but all the ladies kept telling her that her husband needed to get over it. She was allowed since they had temporarily split. Um, on what planet? Maybe it was because all the woman participating in the conversation had admitted that they too had cheated on their spouses. Maybe because they had done it they thought less of the meaning of marriage and the sacred “bond” that is only to be shared with your spouse.
Hubby and I were young when we started out. I had Johnny was I was just 18 years old. We moved in together immediately and we just couldn’t handle going from kids ourselves to being a parent. We lasted 2 months after his birth and I moved back home. Our break was nasty. We didn’t even speak for months. I actually wrote a post about it and the PPD I went through afterwards here. A year later we starting talking again, having to exchange Johnny made us have to still see each other.
While our break up was a real true break up we both had time to live on our own and lead our own lives for over a year when we started dating again but one thing remained. We never dated other people during this time. So when getting back together was put on the table we didn’t have to deal with that. We both admitted we had still always loved each other and knew that being with someone else would ruin our chances of ever finding our way back. Maybe it’s just in my case but I feel like if you love someone and I mean truly love someone then you can’t be with anyone else. Why would you want to?
I’m really not trying to be judgemental. I get this post kinda sounds that way but I’m confused. At anytime during or otherwise if my husband was to be with someone else it would be over. I know my husband feels the same way. Is my reaction wrong? Do you feel the same way? If not, why do you feel that way?
I can only speak for relationship with my husband & I have to agree with you, if my hubs strayed then it would be over or at least call for some time apart (which would include counseling). I’m not judging anyone who’s ever taken back a cheating spouse, my mom did it but I just dont know if I could move past it. On the whole ‘we’re on a break’ subject, I don’t think it’s ok to sleep with someone else during that time. I would assume that time would be for reflecting on the relationship, not jumping into bed & seeing what the next fella has to offer.
To each their own, I guess.
If my husband slept with someone else while married to me, that would be the end of it. Whether we were living together, or if we were on a separation, he is still my husband and as such has an obligation to me to be faithful. If we had split up and a divorce was filed for, I would call that officially over. So, to me, a legal separation without filing for divorce is NOT over.
I have been married four times, divorce three. So, speaking from experience, I don’t see where you would have the desire to sleep with someone else so soon after separating from a spouse. It was always a painful, sad time for me to be in that place. I couldn’t imagine having the energy to think about having sex then with anyone. But like you said, to each his or her own.
However, if one or the other does have sex with someone else while separated, and then they get back together and the other spouse knows it happened, if they chose to get back together under those circumstances, I feel like that person has no right to keep bringing it up over the course of many years. Taking a person back is saying “I forgive you” for whatever you have done. If you don’t think you could live with knowing about a sexual transgression, then you need to move on.
I agree if you take them back you need to get over it when you decide that. You can’t throw it in their face everytime you get mad. Otherwise the relationship can never move forward.
I think you are completely right. I can’t even imagine being with someone if my husband died and neither of us would ever dream of being with someone else, period. Like you said, you make a commitment. Today though, I don’t think that commitment means much to people. It’s easier to get divorced because you have some mild problem than to work it out. I really liked your post, it was refreshing to hear somebody still strongly believe this.
I wish you weren’t the only one who felt that way, but divorce is not something to be shamed for anymore. Not saying you should be ashamed if you’ve been divorced because there are circumstances where it’s warranted.
I come at this from a Christian perspective. Marriage is sacred. It’s ’til death do you part. What God brings together let no man break apart.
I think so many people don’t have this Christian heritage and so they don’t understand how sacred their vows are. When it’s so easy to “fall” out of love (i.e. you grow up and stop having the butterflies…which to me means that you’re comfortable with one another) or get bored or whatever, then divorce is bound to happen. And we see it in Hollywood all the time. Who stays together in Hollywood? And usually what trickles down from there is the trends but unfortunately, divorce is another trickle down effect.
Cheating is acceptable after I cut off your junk and feed it to the fishies. feel free to do with what’s left wherever.
seriously, if you made a vow, then you have your life to honor them. There is no clause, mutual agreement, section4386 that says if you are having a bad day, separate, in the process of divorce, get food poisoning or decide marriage is not for you- you are free to be with whoever and whenever. I want my vows to mean something and I feel nowadays that people have divorce as an option. The hubby and I have always said divorce is not an option. So we have to work out the kinks, swallow the pride and choose this marriage ever day, just like we chose this all those years ago. We married young as well and it has not always been easy. But it has never been something that we could throw away.
So I guess, being with someone else is just plain not okay. Ever.
Hubby and I both agree, cheating is a deal breaker! We both have strong morals and values that are alike and our relationship is strong for that reason. It doesn’t matter what the scenario is, if you’re married-that’s it; that’s your one and only, otherwise don’t get married in the first place.
I suppose my question would be if marriage is forever then how can you say that cheating is a deal breaker? If divorce is not an option then what do you do at that point? If your husband cheats on you and you don’t believe in divorce and marriage is forever what are you left to do? If you choose to divorce because your spouse cheated on you do not remarry or have another relationship because it should have been forever? Do you then punish yourself because marriage is forever?
I think that you will never know what you would do until you are in the particular situation. I said time and time again that there was no way I would ever stay with a cheater or an abuser. That would be it and I would be gone. Just like everyone here has said. Fast forward 13 years with a pre-teen and youg kid at home and a cheating husband… I couldn’t just up and leave. I had to at least “try”. I had to try and make my marriage work as I too did not believe in divorce. I did not believe in the easy way out. So for my family, for my kids. I tried. I tried for 2 long excrutiating years. Unfortunately, he did not try. I finally came home and told him I was done. I considered myself not married. It took us 5 years to go through the motions of our long divorce. I moved on. I dated. I had a great time. Should I have not dated for those 5 years? Should I have waited? Is that cheating? Personally, I don’t think so.
I absolutely do not regret trying. I can look back and really say I did my best. I gave it the ol’ college try. It didn’t work but I gave it my all. Perhaps, if I had called it “over” when the other woman brought the baby to my house and said this is your husbands… I might have regretted not trying.
I will never say that a woman should try and I will never say that she shouldn’t. I will say that I don’t think a woman would regret trying.
I believe there are circumstances where clearly things won’t work. We all have a deal breaker I’m sure. I didn’t say it wasn’t ever an option it just seems like people use it as an option too often. But if you love, respect, honor, and stay faithful then I believe you can work out your differences no matter what they are. If you hit, abuse, or cheat then you clearly lost one if not all of those reasons.
I truly give you credit for trying and admire your strength in leaving. Personally, he would have been DONE had he made a BABY with someone else. I’m sorry you had to live through that. I can’t even image.
I think its cheating until the divorce is final and the ring is in the river. However, I do think that marriage can be repaired if cheating is an issue. I think any marriage can be repaired with enough help, unless there is just a gross misrepresentation involved. My husband and I got married instantly after meeting. 12 years later it is still the best thing I have ever done. We have never had any issues and its the easiest thing on earth. Maybe that’s why I am so optimistic for others marriages.
My husband and I have been separated for over 4yrs and neither of us has cheated. We consider the vows we made very serious. I did find out that back in November he did ask someone out and that was the nail in the coffin for me. Now, I’m not pure as the driven snow and have thought about how attractive another man is, or funny, or sweet. BUT, I haven’t been with a man in any way, shape or form. Just not an option for me.
BTW, we got married too quickly and I agree on that point!
I absolutely agree with your post. The sad part is that there is sort of misunderstood notion nowadays that wanting to be faithful and trying to work on your marriage is somehow “old-fashioned”. The “trendy” thing to do is to give up and not try to find a way to work on faults. The other thing is that many people nowadays want instant gratification and so if they cannot have it all now, (including sex), they get frustrated. Which is why porn and cheating are so prevalent and lasting relationships seem so rare to many. The get-it-all-now selfishness trend is so prevalent that many do not see what the point is to staying with the same person, when they can just hop back on the other side of the fence and see if the grass is as green as it looked the last time they were there. Personally, I am married and my husband and I have been through it a lot and we do not take our vows lightly and it is something we constantly have to work at to keep positive, because there are good times and there are not-as-good times. But why even get married if you are not trustworthy enough to be faithful during the not-so-good times? I think some people do not even realize they are capable of this kind of deception because they do not know themselves well and get married. Age has nothing to do with maturity and many immature hearts fall in love think they can commit.
I agree with you. As far as the forum conversation, what if the lady was saying her husband slept with someone else during the split. I bet they’d all be so ticked! I think it was wrong of her to do that. She was still married, so yes it’s cheating. Plus, think of the diseases she may have just brought home to her husband. ICK!
If my husband cheated on me, it would be over. That is something I couldn’t handle. We are both each others first and only.
Cheating is never acceptable. A vow is a vow is a vow….
I totally agree with you all too. My husband and I talked about this early in our relationship and are on the same page with you!
I have noticed the same problem, when people get married too young or too quickly… You are very right, they just don’t get the chance to know each other on a deep enough level, so there are many problems that don’t come up until later.
I’ve also noticed that so many people don’t take marriage seriously anymore. They go into it with the thought that if it doesn’t work out, they’ll just get a divorce. I think that is so sad.
While I totally understand that sometimes things happen, and divorce is a tough, but needed, choice in some cases, it shouldn’t be a casual option! Many of my friends have given up on their marriages waaaaay too quickly… They hit a rough patch and think, “Oh, this isn’t what I thought marriage would be”, and divorce.
A ring doesn’t suddenly mean that your relationship will be perfect. The problems you ignored before are still there. The life you make together will encounter obstacles. But you made a commitment to each other to work through those problems.
I figure, so what if you’re having tough times? So what if you go a whole YEAR not getting along that well? If you stick it out, and figure it out, and stay together…. 50 years later, what will that one little year really matter?
I’m not married yet, and part of that is because I take it very seriously, and hope to only do it once. None of the guys I’ve met that have talked marriage seemed to take it as seriously, so I passed. My daughters dad and I have been together for almost 6 years now, and I’m hoping. But we have plenty of time….
Thank you for this post. I hope it makes a few people re evaluate some of the casual ideas about marriage that are becoming more common. And I’m glad that you shared your values 🙂
There are certain situations being thrown out here that some of you seem to have a “holier-than-thou” attitude with. Marriage doesn’t always work. People separate. People divorce. It happens, and although YOU might be able to look past faults or stick in an unhappy situation because “a vow is a vow is a vow” not everyone HAS to. I believe that once that emotional disassociation is established, and the separation has begun, that its over. People need to not sit in a completely miserable state because “a vow is a vow is a vow” and people need to realize that they can live life, and be happy, with someone else. Someone else who DESERVES to share the time with them, who DESIRES to make it into a happy relationship.
Hi Casey (WP tracks IP’s remember?) I don’t know why if you REALLY believed that you would post as “Anon @ none@none.com” I’m not trying to be mean but it’s not a “holier-than-thou” attitude it’s a “maybe-you-shouldn’t-have-gotten-married-in-the-first-place” attitude. Seriously though if you can’t suck it up then that person isn’t worth it to you. If you get married you are saying you WILL look past their faults. I’m also not saying there should be no divorce. I just wish people would realize when they dive in that if they aren’t being smart the pool floor is made of concrete so it’s best not to go in head first 😉
Okay. You want to call me out? I’m in the midst of a divorce. I got married saying that I would WORK THROUGH, not LOOK PAST someones faults, but situations like that only work when BOTH PEOPLE have the idea that they BOTH want to WORK THROUGH. Emotional disassociation and reconnection with someone else is just as much cheating as physical contact, and when that disconnect is there, the relationship is damn near over. And once its damn near over, working through it is not always the route that should be taken I think.
I’m sorry, but sometimes, things just aren’t work-through-able.
I posted as ANON because I didn’t really want to put all my personal thoughts/info out there on this subject on through your comments. Want to know more since you called me out? My ex is a raging alcoholic. We separated just under a year ago. In the 9 or so months that we’ve been separated, he’s had a girlfriend and another girl who he called his fiance. He got so ridiculously drunk on one of the days that we both agreed that he would have the kids, that I had to leave work in a frenzy, race to his apartment, and get my kids. Want to know more? Probably not. Maybe I’m just jaded? Or maybe I’m a skeptic? Or maybe I just can’t see the good in every single person or every single marriage. I don’t know.
I think your mad and sad and I understand. Clearly he chose to not try. Sorry you’re going through it.
I didn’t call you out completely. Your email is private I didn’t mention your last name or your site (if you have one).
Eh, idk. Did they break up as in “we are getting a divorce” or just separate for a bit? If it is the former, I don’t see the problem. I myself have done a double take when I see someone who just announced a divorce already in a new relationship, but I have not been in their shoes, like a PP said, should everything be on hold until a judge just signs a form granting a divorce? Sometimes those things take years simply for financial and custody issues, it’d be a bit silly to say you are technically still married so you can’t be with anyone else. I think a lot of people are confusing this scenario with a (seemingly) happy marriage with not so much as a hint of a breakup and someone cheating. Those are two entirely different scenarios and should be treated as such.
and wow, that was totally unnecessary in regards to Casey. Anon or jeleighbean, no one here has to use their real name and what’s wrong with wanting to keep a bit of privacy while expressing your feelings on something so private?
I can’t tell which way you are directing that- but had her comment remained strictly personal I would have respected the fact she posted anonymously. BUT she didn’t. She wanted to address me and the other readers that commented and call us “holier-than-thou”. If you want to call someone names IMO you can stand behind it with your own name.
My husband and I have had our share of large issues. Issues that resulted in us splitting for 6 months. But we worked through it and are stronger than ever.
Now if either of us had slept with another person during our separation, we would have never been able to make it work. It’s too much of a betrayal. It’s like saying “you weren’t important enough”. And we were in the position where we had no intentions of staying together. I can’t imagine a couple going on a “break” with intent to try and work things out and trying to justify a sexual fling!
Unless you’ve been through a divorce, there’s no way to understand how it could break up. You simply can’t fathom it happening to yourself. I get that part.
When I saw this on twitter, I didn’t realize the whole back story. If there was a split and it was deemed a trial separation, I’d call it cheating, but I think a case for not cheating could be made if both parties were committed to a final split.
In the case you mentioned, perception is reality. If he feels she cheated, then there’s really no changing his mind.
fool me once shame on me. Fool me twice shame on you. I will never look like a fool again. My first marriage ended in divorce because he was cheating. This is a huge sore subject with me. CHEATING IS CHEATING Period. Now I take all your money!
i feel that cheating is unacceptable…no ifs, ands, or buts about it…..a couple takes vows for a reason. if you’re going to cheat or even allow cheating within the relationship then, why stay married?….become single if you want to have your cake and eat it too.
I think you hit the nail on the head: “if you love someone and I mean truly love someone then you can’t be with anyone else. Why would you want to?”
I am totally with you on this one. Marriage.. If you want to be married – act like married people or get divorced and move on. I would consider it cheating for the friend to sleep with someone when her and her husband were separated. Uh. She slept with someone just 2 weeks after she split from her husband? That, to me, doesn’t sound like she’s anywhere near ready to be in any relationship.
I totally agree with you! I could go in to details but my reasons would be exactly what you said. If you seperate but are still legally married and you date/sleep with someone else while seperated it is cheating. You said it very well!
I agree with you. Marriage is sacred. BTW, Ross and Rachel aren’t real people. I hate it when people try to make things acceptable when they see it played out on fictional tv program.
I don’t get this. I can’t split loyalties this way.
You are, or you aren’t…