I may not have graduated from college or ran a marathon. I went to more schools then I did grades and I have struggled in ways that many will hopefully never experience. I survived an abusive alcoholic father (who is 11 years sober!!!!). I survived a house fire that destroyed everything we owned. I survived my parents divorce. I survived their remarriages (and another divorce). Yet, all these horrible things weren’t fault of my own and they weren’t things that I personally could change on my own.
When I was 18 and pregnant I went through some major life changes. I had to stop being a kid. After all I was having one of my own.
A month before I gave birth John and I moved into together. I was beyond happy.
Everything was going so much better then I could have planned- and then I delivered.
When I was discharged no one stayed home with me. I was on my own. I was in the hospital for less then 48 hours.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. Luckily I wasn’t in pain. I had a perfect birth. A perfect son.
Soon after John and I started not getting along. We disagreed on everything. I cried all the time. I wasn’t ready for all the changes in my life and I didn’t know how to deal with them. I kept it all in so that people would think I was handling it. A week before Christmas we decided things weren’t working. We didn’t want to ruin the holidays and decided not to do anything about it. I hoped for the best but things didn’t get better. Instead they got worse. After the new year my job let me go. They laid of 3/4 of the company and he wanted me to find a new job. I wanted to stay home and collect the 6 months of employment that was coming. He made it clear if I didn’t work I needed to move.
It was the breaker for us.
I was barely 19. I was moving back to my Mom’s.
Things weren’t the same as before though. My room now only fit a twin bed after Johnny’s furniture was in there. I could reach his crib from my bedside.
I was falling apart. I remember the day my stuff was brought to my moms. It was the saddest day in my life. I sat in front of the door and just cried. I cried like I had never cried. He continued to carry my stuff in refusing to look at me. His father had come with him and I could see how hard it was for him to watch me fall to pieces. He didn’t want to get involved but could barely look at me as I continued to crumble.
When he was done bringing my stuff in I laid at his feet and I cried. I begged. I cried and begged. I cried with everything I had and he said nothing. He did nothing. He left.
My world as I knew it was over. The boy I loved was gone. Just walked out the door.
I completely shut done, went numb.
I remember just walking out one night. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and my mom was refusing to watch Johnny because she said she wasn’t my babysitter. I walked out the door anyways.
When I returned hours later she told me if I did it again she would call child services for abandonment. She was there to help me get off my feet by providing a roof over my head. As long as I paid my utilities and took care of my child myself we would be just fine.
From that point I didn’t leave the house.
I didn’t shower. I didn’t call anyone.
I resented my child and I hated myself.
~
This went on for a couple of months and one day my father showed up. He sat me down and told me I needed help. That not taking care of myself wasn’t working- I needed to be there for my child. I needed to be there for myself. That John leaving wasn’t my child’s fault and I needed help to realize that. Johnny wasn’t the problem. He was just my child that was caught in it all. He was my responsibility.
I start counseling. I started taking medication.
Slowly I began to put the pieces of my life together.
I finally put Johnny in daycare and found a job. I worked full time and saved all I could. Six months later I finally had enough for my own place.
I was doing it on my own… and it felt good.
This post was written as an entry into the Lovable Labels BlogHer 11 Contest.
Nice post. Of course I’m dying to know what happened between John leaving you and you two now being happily married (I would assume he is the high school sweetheart in your bio?). I can’t imagine going though a time like that–congratulations on such a major accomplishment. Good luck in the contest.
He is. We took a year to get out lives in order and then dated (secretly) for a year. We were too young with too many responsibilities and just couldn’t do it. We needed to be individuals before we could be partners 🙂
That story came from you, I know all stories should be original, but I can’t help but notice how so many details in your story duplicate so many things in my life right down to the crying at his feet and him not looking at you. I can honestly say, our stories are two of the same, just with different individuals. I read this with new tears. I too was 19 with 2 kids, 1 more then you, but really, our emotions were the same. You have come a long way and I tip my hat to you! Congrats on such a wonderful blog and a beautiful family! I just wanted to share because I honestly didn’t think anyone else in this world could possibly have felt that kind of hurt and really I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! Anyways, thanks for listening! Rebecca
Thank you for sharing your story Jennifer!
Wow, what a hard beginning! Look where you are now!!
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Thanks for sharing. It was a very moving post.
Bless your heart my friend. Such a hard time. Having a hard time with a newborn is something they don’t teach you about! And what a shame because (for some of us) it’s not just sunshine and roses. 🙂 But it gets better – thank goodness!
Thank you for sharing your story. God Bless You and keep you in the future…!!! Congrats!
What a challenging start you had with your family. I’m glad things worked out for you. Good luck in the Blogher contest.
Beautiful post…and I acknowledge your struggles and ability to share it with us.
I can so relate, and that’s all I’ll say. Kudos to you my friend for taking matters into your own hands and pulling through. Yes, it is a definite HUGE accomplishment. Good luck to you and yes I voted & shared on FB,
*SHeesh*! You went and got me ALL Choked up!! Fighting back the tears as I read your story. I really admire your strength and the courage to share your story with the world. Its unfortunate you had such a rough start to the milestones in life that are supposed to be joyous, but I’m glad your father was there for you when you needed him the most and that you got the help you needed to get back on track with your life and be there for your baby. I’m glad that it didn’t take you long to make enough money to get your own place and out on your own again!
I’m so Happy for you that things eventually turned out right in your life! Its wonderful that you and your Hubby got back together again and have continued your life together! You seem so happy now and you have a beautiful family! I would have never guessed your past was full of so much hurt. But you have overcome all of it and are a Strong, Independent, Caring, Fun, Outgoing Woman and Mother!
Thank you again for sharing your story with us. I’ve enjoyed following your Blog the past year and it was nice to learn something new and very personal about you. I was a Deputy Sheriff for the last 4 years before becoming a SAHM, so I have seen a lot of tragedy and hurt in people’s lives. Experiencing that and also reading your story, just makes me even more grateful for everything I have. I think most people experience some sort of tragedy or difficulty in their life at some point, and even though it can be hard, you just have to find a way to heal yourself and find the strength to move on to better things. There really IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m glad you found your way there! 🙂
That was a really well-written, touching story; a great accomplishment indeed! I am again impressed with the way that you carry yourself!
What an amazing story that you wrote. Many people can share with what you have gone through. To come out of all of this and to become who you are today is an example of how strong of a person you are. Your parents tough love helped you get through all of this. Kudos to all of you!! I hope you win th contest Jen. Good Luck!!