I know it sounds crazy. Why should I feel guilty? It’s been two long months of the breastfeeding battle. One I have truly fought and won so how come now that its starting to get easy I’m feeling guilty over thinking about switching to formula.

When I had Johnny I was too young. I was 18 years old and immature. I wanted to breastfeed in truth but the minute the nursing staff came in the room and demanded I do it I became withdrawn and quickly retreated in what was easy. Formula.

Then I had Gavin. I was 25 and I had grown up and realized my boobs had another purpose in life and that they really weren’t only for sexual purposes but they had a completely different purpose.

Johnny slept through the night only days after being born and I truly believed it was formula in his belly that made that happen and when I packed my bag for the hospital I also packed a bottle. That bottle was for Daddy and it was to be feed before bedtime each night so he wouldn’t relate the formula to me.

I made it to around a month.

I had Gavin in July and was getting married in October. Having the formula in the house made it easy to just slip in an additional bottle when it was needed or inconvenient to breastfeed. Breastfeeding was frustrating for me with him. I made so much milk I couldn’t leave the house. I didn’t own a pump and wasn’t well educated on all the things I needed to make it easy. Every time I left the house I came home embarrassed and drenched.

Before long he was completely on formula and I didn’t think twice about it.

Until now.

 I have struggled so much to make things work with Sawyer- and finally we’re pretty much there.

I did everything I could to be prepared for it this time too. I invested in a great dual electric pump. I got good nursing bras and tanks. Bought boxes of freezer bags and pads while pregnant. I was prepared.

So why do I sit here at 2 months in staring at a bottle of formula I prepared and can’t bring myself to give it to him?

Because my husband thinks formula is better. Yeah, seriously. He doesn’t like me breastfeeding and he wants me to stop. I know that shouldn’t make a difference but it does. I don’t need the support but I don’t like the pressure. I don’t need the look of disgust from him when I go to nurse of the feeling like I need to hide in the closet when he’s around.

I don’t understand why he feels this way and he won’t talk about it other then telling me he doesn’t like it.

So, what do I do?

Do I feel guilty for feeding my infant formula or do I feel guilty for not doing something for my husband?
Will it make that big of a difference?
Will Sawyer even care?

I did 2 months. I should be happy, right? It’s longer then I’ve given any of my kids and I should be proud of that-

So why is this choice so hard and why do I keep making bottles of formula just to dump them down the drain?