I wrote this post the week I found out the gender of this baby. I wrote it without the intentions of publishing it. Then last night I sat at Gavin’s boys only tumbling class and looked around. I was surrounded in a sea of adorable little girls in leotards. His class had only 6 boys in it but ther building was filled with with hundreds of girls. It’s a stadium set up and we sit on a platform looking down to observe so you see it all. There are waiting areas, computer tables, etc. The place is impressive.
There I sat in the middle of it with tears streaming down my face. I know it’s a result of the pregnancy hormones that really pushed me over the edge but I sat there next to another mom with a little girl around Gavin’s age. Her mom was sitting there braiding her hair while they overlooked a sibling in another class. She had on an adorable purple sparkled leotard and she did the same to her american girl doll in the same leotard that looked just like her. It hit me at that moment that I would never experience that.
I posted on facebook about my sadness and I realized that while I felt so guilty for being sad about something so amazing in my life I wasn’t the only one who went through it. The reason I never planned on sharing my post was because I was scared of being judged. Of being told how lucky I should be to be blessed with the little boy I’m carrying and tried for years through failed fertility treatments that I was acting spoiled and ungrateful. Thing is I do feel lucky. I understand the gift I’ve been given.
But while one dream was happening another dream is ending. The dream of having a little girl, a daughter.
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Here’s the original post I wrote:
I wanted a daughter. I said it.
Before you judge me and criticize my statement you must listen to my words. I wanted a daughter and I will have all sons. This child I am pregnant with is an amazing beautiful miracle that I am blissfully happy about. I can’t wait to meet his little face and hold him in my arms. I love him to pieces already.
You wanted a girl.
No, I wanted a daughter. The two aren’t related and people are missing that.
From the very first moment of my very first pregnancy I dreamed of having a daughter. Of brushing her hair and teaching her how to french braid it. Painting her fingernails and getting her ears pierced. Putting her in dance class and seeing her in a tutu. Of her growing up and taking her dress shopping for her first prom.Letting her lean on me the first time her heart is broken. Being there to help her pick out her wedding dress and watching my husband walk her down the isle.
These are the things that I will never experience and it breaks my heart.
So, please PLEASE stop treating me like I don’t love my son. Stop acting like I can’t be sad. Stop making me feel like I’m a horrible mother because I’m heart broken that I will never have a daughter. I love my son and I am THRILLED to be pregnant and thrilled to be blessed with another AMAZING boy.
You see this is our last baby so while I normally wouldn’t think twice about being sad during such a happy time I know that there are no other chances. Yesterday I went shopping to celebrate and couldn’t help but stare at everything pink and purple and get teary eyed knowing I would never be buying those for my own child. I watched a little girl hold her father’s hand while skipping into Build-A-Bear and thought how I will never experience that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m okay. It’s okay. I am allowed to be sad without others implying the fact that I don’t love my son because you couldn’t be farther from the truth and in reality you are only making this harder on me by making me feel bad so please stop calling me and telling me it will be okay because I already know that. Please stop telling me it’s not as bad as it seems because never for a moment have I thought any of this was bad. In fact I’ve accepted the fact this baby is a boy and I’ve embraced it. Please stop making me feel as though I’m a horrible mom for feeling this way because I’m a good mom. One that loves her boys- all THREE of them!
About Jennifer
Jennifer, don’t let the opinions of others get you down. Everyone will always have an opinion on everything under the sun. But that doesn’t mean that it’s right! Pregnancy causes all kinds of different thoughts and emotions and I am quite sure this is very hurtful for you. You’ve always had the thought of having a daughter and now you are crushed that it’s never going to happen. To be upset is quite normal. Life is taking you in a different direction than you had hoped. Just don’t let it get you so down that you become depressed and withdrawn. Remember, that baby that’s growing inside of you is a true blessing and I am sure you will love your son just as much as you would have loved a daughter. Being a mother of both daughters and a son, I can honestly say that I love each and every one the same. There are differences in all of my children regardless of sex. And I can honestly say that each sex has it’s positives and negatives. But they are my children and I love them more than anything in this world. Sure it’s fun doing your daughters hair and nails and dressing her in pretty clothes and all of that but there are fun things you can do with your sons as well. I’ve learned a lot from my son, being that I am a female. There have been and still are things I never knew about males until I had him. And to be honest, he is much more loving and considerate of me than my daughters. I guess you could say he is mommy’s boy and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. He’s not girly, just very considerate of my feelings, even when I’m sick he’s very attentive to me. My daughters are not. Even though my son is 17 he will always be my baby and there is nothing that will ever change that. Nor would I ever want to. Those boys you have, THEY were the babies that you were meant to have. And YOU were meant to be THEIR mommy and if that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will. Big HUGS!!!
I am so sorry that people have made you feel bad about your sadness over not having a daughter before you finished having kids. How tragic and wrong of them! *hugs* My husband and I were both totally sure this little (infertility miracle) baby was a boy, and as much as I would have loved having a son (and still hope to someday), I felt a twinge of guilt at how my daughter-wishing heart leapt when they said “it’s a girl” (we’re due in April with our first). I understand, simply from that, and I know that’s not even quite enough. Blessings to you, dear
Oh, I forgot to mention that my mom had an ultrasound with her third baby (not too common back then) and was told she was having a third boy. She went home and cried. To my parent’s surprise, baby #3 was actually a girl! She said she was so excited in the hospital she kept opening her diaper all night long just so she could see once again that it was “still a girl!!” Hahaha! Little did my mom know that the next 3 babies would be girls too! (so total, 2 boys and 4 girls!) Anyway, the point is, she experienced the same disappointment at the ultrasound.
As the mom of three boys, I just want to add a little something. While it is perfectly natural and normal to grieve the idea of never having a daughter, please at some point let it go. I don’t think there is anything as sad a mother who has grown sons and laments over never having a daughter. It seems almost disrespectful to her sons that they were never enough. I have no doubt that you love all three of your sons and I understand the pain at giving up the “girl dream”, but please don’t let it haunt you.
As you can obviously see, you are not alone. I had my first, a little girl, which I was happy about, but our second one.. our planned one, we wanted a boy. A little rough and tough little bruiser to play around with… I had another girl… I LOVE her to pieces and couldn’t imagine life without her, but don’t think for one second that I am not going to try for another one… just afraid it might be another girl. Oh, the drama and crying in the house there would be with 4 girls in the house??
Great Post.. Thanks for sharing what other moms WANT to say, but don’t have the balls to say.
OH MY SWEET CHILD, I was like you when I was young.. I wanted a daughter, I wanted the mommy daughter connection, I dreamed of a daughter and my first child was my son, I cried.. The men in the family were so happy a boy to play ball with to build things with and all the while I cried.. I fell in love with that funny, chubby, bald guy, his smile warmed my heart… but I still ached for my daughter.. 3 yrs later we decided it was time to add another family member, but no luck, nothing was working, so test after test after test, I would hope all month and when my monthly time came the water works started again, now I just wanted a child…But then it happened, one of those tests showed both my tubes were blocked so surgery was scheduled and what did they find, cancer… I would no longer be able to have a child, I was now in a fight for my life, now I just wanted to raise my son, to watch him grow… The treatments worked and the cancer was gone and so was my chance of ever having a baby.. We did try to adopt, not once but twice and both times the mother’s changed their minds.. My husband and I stayed together a few more years and then we went our separate ways… As my son grew I watched as he became a man, he dated one girl all through High school but they slit right before prom and it broke his heart, but he fell in love again and married, I now had my daughter, and soon she was expecting a child of their own.. the baby came three months early, she was so tiny, only weighted 3 lbs, but she was a fighter… I now had a grand daughter… in the years that followed there were three more Girls added to that family, WOW was I blessed. I now had 4 grand daughters to love… I remarried and he had two daughters with his ex and they had also adopted 4 other girls in their time together.. 6 more girls to love, and let me tell you that I now have 25 grand children and 20 of them are girls, we also have a great grand daughter and a great grandson… so my dear, you see you will have a daughter in your life, and when the grand children come you will be amazed how different it is. They are special gifts and you don’t have the stress of raising them, you just love and spoil them…
I am sorry you have been made to feel bad for wanting a daughter. I also want a daughter and I am actually a little fearful to find out what I am carrying because I don’t want to be disappointed if it is a boy. I am super happy to have a baby and be able to raise 2 wonderful children, but I think it is normal for most women to want a girl at some point. I hope and pray that my baby is a girl, but don’t really know how I will react if its a boy afterall. I don’t want to be sad and I don’t want to cry because no matter which gender this baby is special, but I think its human nature to cry and be upset when things are not what you expected. Good luck with your wonderful bundle of boy joy.
No one should make someone feel bad about their feelings/emotions — what you feel isn’t “wrong”, it’s just how you feel and you should be allowed that. My DH very much wanted our second child to be a daughter like our first child — he did not want a son for various reasons some of which made very little sense to me, but which I accepted as being how he felt at that point. He loves and adores our son as much as our daughter but even now he will sometimes wistfully say he wishes we could have a third child and that it would be a girl.
It’s funny because my big “fear” when I found out I was having a daughter was that she would be a girly-girl which I am not at all
I lucked out because my daughter is more of a tomboy but I really worried about that during the pregnancy — sounds rather silly I guess, and I’m sure others would have judged me for worrying about something like that, but it was what I felt at the time and that was that 
Mujer, delay and derail that disappointment because before you will come the perfect daughter -a granddaughter. There’s a reason there’s a GRAND in front of daughter. It’s a love that will bring you all you have stated, but you don’t have to go through first hand the female teen angst and drama that goes with it! The best is yet to come.
BB2U
I’ve been there twice!! Each time I swear i was having a girl and turned out to be a boy. I’ll never know what it will be like to look into My flesh in blood daughters eyes but I do have 3 boys that GOD Blessed me with and for that I will be forever grateful.
Although I’m sure your really sad about losing out on those things you longed to do with a daughter I only can say that hopefully when the time comes and your blessed with lots of granddaughters that you’ll certainly spoil them 100x over because they will be so very special. I know your thinking my gosh that’s so far away but the truth is life flies when your having fun and she’ll be here before you know it but until you’ll bake treats, play ball and race around the back yard chasing those little feet.
It took me adopting a baby girl and spending HOURS with my nieces to be able to share that time with them while it’s now all over in a blink of an eye because they don’t want me doing hair any more , picking out their clothes or painting their nails my boys always want me to hang out and make them tasty treats and give me hugs and kisses for ever.
I’m sure you will get all those too and feel just as blessed as you are today with the boys you already have. HUGS
I’m sorry they have no right to make you feel guilty. I have friends that have went through this. My best friends sister went through this 2 years ago 3rd child had her heart set on having a boy was tired of everything boy she loves them just wanted a girl. The day she got the news she cried for days, it doesn’t make you any less of a mom for wanting a girl.
I’d like to make a suggestion. It’s not the same as having your own daughter, but it may help ease some of the pain. It could mean the world to a little girl if you were to big sister her. Or see your local orphanage about respite. You would be able to share girly things with her and maybe bridge a permanent bond and be able to watch her grow with the influences that you made, realizing how different her life may have been without you.
The sooner the better. You could change a little girl’s life!
I am SO glad you spoke what is on your mind. And I truly understand your thoughts. But mine are in reverse. I had two girls. And not that I ever was sad for having two girls, I have always wondered what it would be like to have had a boy. Well…I am getting my answer. My oldest is 21 and her boyfriend (which seems more like a son-in-law to me) is the kindest thing to me. He is so sweet, brings me presents, texts me kind notes, etc. My other daughter is 17 and her boyfriend is 19. He is sweet also.
So…I guess what I am trying to say is…look to the future (which will be here before you can blink your eyes) and see those boys will bring home sweet girls that they will want for their wives. And wah-lah…you have a daughter. She can cook with you, shop with you, laugh with you.
It’s so hard not to feel guilty. And honestly, you don’t need anyone else to make you feel guilty, because you put the guilt on yourself. At least that’s how I was.
When we found out our last baby was a boy, I walked out of the doctor’s office in tears. Instead of being thankful that he looked healthy and there were no complications, I was upset that I wasn’t getting another baby girl. {I was pregnant with my 6th child. At the time, I had 3 boys and 2 girls. I wanted SO badly to have our own little “Brady Bunch.”} When I told my youngest daughter that the baby was a boy, she got angry at me. Wouldn’t talk to me for days. {She was 4.} It only fed into my guilt, making everything worse.
My baby boy was born last March, and I’ve got to tell you: he is the sweetest little addition I ever could have asked for. While I can’t put bows in his hair, I can cuddle with him any time I want to.
I’m a firm believe that the Lord gives us exactly what we need – which isn’t always what we want. My husband is a wonderful man and an excellent example to our boys. I’m certain God gave me so many boys to put more men just like my husband on the earth.
I’m so sorry you didn’t get the girl that you were hoping for, but I have every confidence that once you hold that sweet baby boy in your arms, you wouldn’t want to change a thing.
A mothers guilt has no end. Your post is respectable .
Amen, sister.
I had gender disappointment with one of my children. And then met the child and am so glad to be a parent to this child – my child. Wouldn’t want it any other way.
I applaud you for having the courage to say what I have little doubt many others have felt.
*And last night, I was in the bleachers at my son’s swim meet and cried. As much as I didn’t want to…the tears came. There was a mother next to me braiding her daughter’s hair. I thought of all the times I braided my late daughter’s hair and yearned for that again.
Jennifer, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Firstly, because they aren’t in your body and secondly, they aren’t living your life. Every person, no matter who you are, where you live, race, color, age, is different. You have YOUR feelings and YOUR feelings are sad right now for what can’t be, NOT was is. I have no doubt you love that baby boy within you with every last fiber of your being, as well as your other two beautiful boys and that’s what makes you a fantastic mom. Everyone mourns for things in life-the loss of a loved one, moving, change in general, and especially when life chapters come to an end. There is NO shame in that and by no means does that make you a bad mom.
Just know you’re the only one who truly knows what you’re going through right now and these feelings have to be felt in order for you to accept, repair and move on.
Lean on those people who support you and cast aside those people that don’t-life’s too short for negativity in your life!
I could’ve written this exact post, but for the opposite gender… I have 3 girls. My youngest is now 2 but right after I had her it was hard. Like you said I love my girls of course, but it was the dream of having a boy that died. And partly for me it was the feeling of disappointment of not giving my husband a son, even though he reassured me that he didn’t feel that way and loved his girls.
And now that we have a 2, 3 and 6 year old daughter, I couldn’t imagine it any other way- I was meant to be a mommy to all girls! And now I’m actually a Great Aunt to my nephew’s son so I’m buying all kinds of baby boy clothes.
Kudos for being able to publish the post.
Thank you so mmuch for sharing that post! I too am a mother of boys and have often felt guilty for feeling the exact way you’ve just said. As you said, I love my boys so very much but I do wonder what it would be like to have a daughter. Huge hugs!