I wrote this post the week I found out the gender of this baby. I wrote it without the intentions of publishing it. Then last night I sat at Gavin’s boys only tumbling class and looked around. I was surrounded in a sea of adorable little girls in leotards. His class had only 6 boys in it but the building was filled with hundreds of little girls. It’s a stadium set up and we sit on a platform looking down to observe so you see it all. There are waiting areas, computer tables, etc. The place is impressive.
There I sat in the middle of it with tears streaming down my face. I know it’s a result of the pregnancy hormones that really pushed me over the edge but I sat there next to another mom with a little girl around Gavin’s age. Her mom was sitting there braiding her hair while they overlooked a sibling in another class. She had on an adorable purple sparkled leotard and she did the same to her american girl doll in the same leotard that looked just like her. It hit me at that moment that I would never experience that.
I posted on Facebook about my sadness and I realized that while I felt so guilty for being sad about something so amazing in my life I wasn’t the only one who went through it. The reason I never planned on sharing my post was because I was scared of being judged. Of being told how lucky I should be to be blessed with the little boy I’m carrying and tried for years through failed fertility treatments that I was acting spoiled and ungrateful. Thing is I do feel lucky. I understand the gift I’ve been given.
But while one dream was happening another dream is ending. The dream of having a little girl, a daughter.
Here’s the original post I wrote:
I wanted a daughter. I said it.
Before you judge me and criticize my statement you must listen to my words. I wanted a daughter and I will have all sons. This child I am pregnant with is an amazing beautiful miracle that I am blissfully happy about. I can’t wait to meet his little face and hold him in my arms. I love him to pieces already.
You wanted a girl.
No, I wanted a daughter. The two aren’t related and people are missing that.
From the very first moment of my very first pregnancy I dreamed of having a daughter. Of brushing her hair and teaching her how to french braid it. Painting her fingernails and getting her ears pierced. Putting her in dance class and seeing her in a tutu. Of her growing up and taking her dress shopping for her first prom.Letting her lean on me the first time her heart is broken. Being there to help her pick out her wedding dress and watching my husband walk her down the aisle.
These are the things that I will never experience and it breaks my heart.
So, please PLEASE stop treating me like I don’t love my son. Stop acting like I can’t be sad. Stop making me feel like I’m a horrible mother because I’m heart-broken that I will never have a daughter. I love my son and I am THRILLED to be pregnant and thrilled to be blessed with another AMAZING boy.
You see this is our last baby so while I normally wouldn’t think twice about being sad during such a happy time I know that there are no other chances. Yesterday I went shopping to celebrate and couldn’t help but stare at everything pink and purple and get teary eyed knowing I would never be buying those for my own child. I watched a little girl hold her father’s hand while skipping into Build-A-Bear and thought how I will never experience that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m okay. It’s okay. I am allowed to be sad without others implying the fact that I don’t love my son because you couldn’t be farther from the truth and in reality you are only making this harder on me by making me feel bad so please stop calling me and telling me it will be okay because I already know that. Please stop telling me it’s not as bad as it seems because never for a moment have I thought any of this was bad. In fact I’ve accepted the fact this baby is a boy and I’ve embraced it. Please stop making me feel as though I’m a horrible mom for feeling this way because I’m a good mom. One that loves her boys- all THREE of them!