Dealing with Gender Disappointment

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I wrote this post the week I found out the gender of this baby. I wrote it without the intentions of publishing it. Then last night I sat at Gavin’s boys only tumbling class and looked around. I was surrounded in a sea of adorable little girls in leotards. His class had only 6 boys in it but the building was filled with hundreds of little girls. It’s a stadium set up and we sit on a platform looking down to observe so you see it all. There are waiting areas, computer tables, etc. The place is impressive.

There I sat in the middle of it with tears streaming down my face. I know it’s a result of the pregnancy hormones that really pushed me over the edge but I sat there next to another mom with a little girl around Gavin’s age. Her mom was sitting there braiding her hair while they overlooked a sibling in another class. She had on an adorable purple sparkled leotard and she did the same to her american girl doll in the same leotard that looked just like her. It hit me at that moment that I would never experience that.

I posted on Facebook about my sadness and I realized that while I felt so guilty for being sad about something so amazing in my life I wasn’t the only one who went through it. The reason I never planned on sharing my post was because I was scared of being judged. Of being told how lucky I should be to be blessed with the little boy I’m carrying and tried for years through failed fertility treatments that I was acting spoiled and ungrateful. Thing is I do feel lucky. I understand the gift I’ve been given.

But while one dream was happening another dream is ending. The dream of having a little girl, a daughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here’s the original post I wrote:

I wanted a daughter. I said it.

Before you judge me and criticize my statement you must listen to my words. I wanted a daughter and I will have all sons. This child I am pregnant with is an amazing beautiful miracle that I am blissfully happy about. I can’t wait to meet his little face and hold him in my arms. I love him to pieces already.

You wanted a girl.
No, I wanted a daughter. The two aren’t related and people are missing that.

From the very first moment of my very first pregnancy I dreamed of having a daughter. Of brushing her hair and teaching her how to french braid it. Painting her fingernails and getting her ears pierced. Putting her in dance class and seeing her in a tutu. Of her growing up and taking her dress shopping for her first prom.Letting her lean on me the first time her heart is broken. Being there to help her pick out her wedding dress and watching my husband walk her down the aisle.

These are the things that I will never experience and it breaks my heart.

So, please PLEASE stop treating me like I don’t love my son. Stop acting like I can’t be sad. Stop making me feel like I’m a horrible mother because I’m heart-broken that I will never have a daughter. I love my son and I am THRILLED to be pregnant and thrilled to be blessed with another AMAZING boy.

You see this is our last baby so while I normally wouldn’t think twice about being sad during such a happy time I know that there are no other chances. Yesterday I went shopping to celebrate and couldn’t help but stare at everything pink and purple and get teary eyed knowing I would never be buying those for my own child. I watched a little girl hold her father’s hand while skipping into Build-A-Bear and thought how I will never experience that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m okay. It’s okay. I am allowed to be sad without others implying the fact that I don’t love my son because you couldn’t be farther from the truth and in reality you are only making this harder on me by making me feel bad so please stop calling me and telling me it will be okay because I already know that. Please stop telling me it’s not as bad as it seems because never for a moment have I thought any of this was bad. In fact I’ve accepted the fact this baby is a boy and I’ve embraced it. Please stop making me feel as though I’m a horrible mom for feeling this way because I’m a good mom. One that loves her boys- all THREE of them!

About Jennifer

Jennifer, the mom behind the Mom Spotted blog, is located in Western Massachusetts. She has three boys, Johnny (15), Gavin (9), & Sawyer (3). She is married to her high school sweetheart. On Mom Spotted you'll find a fun selection of recipes, family fun, product reviews, and more! You can also find her on twitter @MomSpotted and Facebook.



Comments

  1. There’s no reason to rip you apart. Sounds like you’re doing enough of that on your own. I completely understand! I was kind of the opposite, though. I wanted all boys. I was terrified of having a girl! Your feelings are YOUR feelings. You’re entitled to them. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for having them. Grieve your daughter and then embrace your boy. It sounds to me like you’re doing that and you’re allowed. Huge hugs. Let me know if you need to talk.

  2. With my daughter, when we found out it was a girl, I cried. I wanted a boy first. But I quickly came to terms with it. With my son, I had to find out the gender because it had to be a boy because we were done after him. And it was, but I know if he had been a girl, I would need that time to process the feelings. Now, we’re going for 3 and I’m not finding out gender. I’m fine either way but I can distinctly remember feeling like I couldn’t tell anybody those feelings.

    This is another reason the big ultrasounds are good – not just for medical reasons but for emotional reasons. I’m sure you’re not the only person on this earth that has felt the same way. And I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with mourning what might have been. Because we all know you will love your little boy just as much. And thank you for sharing your feelings – there’s bound to be somebody out there who feels the same way and is afraid to admit it.

  3. Don’t feel bad! I understand the feeling. My 1st child was a girl and my 2nd was a boy. When I was pregnant with my 3rd, i really really really wanted a girl. The reason was because I didn’t think I could handle another boy. My middle son was hyper, always having temper tantrums, not listening, etc I couldn’t go thru that again with another boy. At the time, it was because we didn’t realize he had ADHD. Once he was diagnosed and on meds, he did a complete 180 and was a loving little boy that I knew he could be! But he didn’t get diagnosed until my youngest was about 6 months old.
    But when I was pregnant with my 3rd and we did the 20 week ultrasound. The tech asked If I wanted to know the sex. I said yes. She told me it was a boy. I just broke down crying right in the room. Because I wanted a girl so bad!
    But now that my youngest is here. He’s a very sweet and loving and smart little boy. He’s completely different than his brother. His personality is more like his sister.
    I love all 3 of my kids, no matter what their gender is. I know you love your boys and you will get your daughter someday when your boys meet their wives

  4. nathania hunter says:

    I feel the same way, I couldn’t possibly have another child, we already have two girls. If financial things were right on track then sure maybe another baby. We want a son so bad though, with each pregnancy we were hoping for a boy, but we are thrilled to have our girls, they’re such angels (most of the time), but deep in our hearts, we want that little bundle of joy, a little boy to carry on the name and to be just like daddy. It’s so hard to walk around the clothing section and seeing all the cutest little boy clothes, or toys!. We brought beautiful babies into this world, we should never feel ashamed or feel like a bad mother for our feelings, we’re amazing, and can do much more then anybody else for our own families. Nobody should judge those feelings, ever!.

  5. Jessica Bolin says:

    I posted this on facebook but I am going to post it here too….

    I am so sorry! I mean that. I lost my first child at 27 weeks when she was still born. When I had my son 5 years later I wanted a girl but was happy he was a boy. Then when my husband and I had our two year old I was so disappointed when th…ey said boy. We were done….. I will never forget the day standing in the baby store I started bawling. I wanted a girl and would never have that. My husband (not a sensitive man) came up and held me and said we would try once more. We wanted to wait and possibly do gender selection in years….. Well I found out I was pregnant 1 month after my son turned one. We had been using birth control so I was shocked. I was upset… not ready for a baby but even more not wanting another boy. I HATED being pregnant. The first time I smiled or was even happy AT ALL was when I seen she was a girl. I knew I would love the baby regardless but it wuld take time to get happy. And I knew I would forever wish I had a girl. Not that I would have loved that baby any less. YOU will love this baby but yes you will always have that spot of wanting a daughter. It DOES NOT change your love for hi. Anyone that tears you a part for your feelings is HORRIBLE!!!!! ♥ ♥

  6. I have three boys… I KNOW what you’re talking about. I never imagined my life as the mom of boys. I planned to have one daughter, for us to grow to be as close as my mom and I. That was MY plan. It clearly didn’t go that way. We had a third to TRY for a daughter. I wanted a daughter! I wanted pin and bows and being able to spend life doing girly stuff even when she was older. But I got the most adorable son ever. We don’t love our boys any less because they aren’t what we planned. Just as people don’t love child 3 or 4 any less than the first or second when they had only originally planned to have two.
    It might be hard for someone who has struggled and is unable to have their own children to be understanding, but I certainly hope no one beats you up over this! Thanks for being so open. THIS is what I love about blogging.

  7. Shell says:

    Oh, I understand. I’m a mom of three boys and I went through some disappointment at the thought of not ever having a daughter. It wasn’t the same thing as not wanting my boys or not loving them without my heart… but having some moments of sadness knowing that I’ll never have a daughter, too.

    Though now? I rarely have any of those twinges. I know my family is complete and I am perfectly okay with never having a daughter.

    But, I think it’s perfectly natural to feel that disappointment sometimes!

  8. I know exactly how you feel. I already had 2 boys, so I was hoping for a girl. I was disappointed when the tech told me it was another boy, but what made me feel 100 times worse was everyone’s reaction to the news. My mother was mad….yes mad, that I was having another boy & a friend of mine told me “awww, I’m sorry”, when I told her that I was having another boy. WTF!! Nice friend. She has 2 girls & is dying for a boy but I have always said “congratulations” instead of “I’m sorry”, cause that is just wrong to do. My brother on the other hand, wanted all boys but so far has 2 girls. I love my baby boy to death….he is gorgeous, smart, & perfect in every way but, I always get a little sad when I see a cute little girl because I will never have one. So don’t feel bad, you’re not alone & you’re not wrong to feel that way….you are human like everyone else & brave for admitting the way you feel.

  9. Bobbie says:

    ((HUGS)) I am blessed to have one of each, but my daughter isn’t really the girly girl I would loved her to be. Although the older she is getting the more I am rubbing off on her. I wanted her to have a sister when I was pregnant with my second (which was my son). I have 4 brothers and no sisters, and always envied those with sisters. It wasn’t that I wasn’t going to love my son, it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy or didn’t feel blessed. I understand your feelings. I know you will love your son. Maybe there will be a little girl in your future.. some way, some how.. with 3 boys you will have grandbabies 🙂 I know that’s not helping now, but there will be pink in your future girl. Hang in there!!

  10. I really hope that no one judges you for this, anyone that says they weren’t disappointed when they found out the gender of their child wasn’t the one they were hoping for is lying! I understand what you are feeling, because my dad wanted a son and got four daughters. He settled for making me into a tomboy. I swear, when I got married and he finally had a “son” that was the happiest day of his life. LOL
    One day you will have daughter-in-laws ans granddaughters. 🙂

  11. Shannon Morris says:

    I think you are so brave for getting out there and saying what so many people only keep hidden. It’s ok to be disappointed. It’s normal. I think why so many women feel like they aren’t living up to what they should as mothers is because people (especially women) don’t just tell the truth. They don’t say that some days parenting sucks and that they wish for something different. So we all try and live up to this impossible icon and none of us do and we all end up feeling alone (like am I the only one feeling this way?). Bravo to you for being honest with yourself and with us.

  12. I went through the same thing. I have a boy already and we had been trying for over 2 years to have another baby. So I was so thrilled when we got pregnant. I didn’t want to admit to anyone but I really wanted a girl. I had always thought I would have a boy because we had planned on having 3 kids and I had thought it would go boy, boy, girl. But then my husband has decided he only wants 2 and because we had such a hard time getting pregnant, I don’t think I can go through that again. So when our ultrasound day came, we were holding our breath for a girl. So when the ultrasound technician immediately announced we were “having a little lady”, I was in tears. Then 2 minutes later our dreams were shattered when our little lady ended up with “three legs”. We were having a boy. It was such a shock and you literally do mourn what could have been. So I completely feel your pain. Now that we have gotten used to the idea, I am thrilled with having another boy. Still, I understand what you mean about wanting a daughter and I totally relate to what you are feeling and it’s okay to feel that way.

  13. Unfortunately, there are a lot of moms that judge other women for feeling this way, even though it’s completely and totally normal. When I was pregnant with my son I went through a spell of gender disappointment, even cried after his ultrasound. In my heart, I wanted a daughter so badly. After some moments of thought on it, I realized my disappointment wasn’t because I wasn’t having a daughter, it was because I was scared of having a son. <– something I see as totally silly right now. Turns out, he was the easy one. LOL

    There's a reason your having all boys, you may not know what it is right now but there's a reason. You still have every right to be sad and even though it's not the same, I hope your blessed with a bunch of grand-daughters (way way way in the future).

  14. Linda White says:

    I have 3 daughters and 1 son. We were happy with each one although we did want a boy each time and kept on til we did. My husband is the last male in his family to carry on the family name so we wanted a son for that purpose. I love each one of my girls dearlly and we have had lots of fun together. They are 26, 24, and 21 now, did all the matching outfits, pink, purple, cute hair, Barbies, etc. but I love my son because he was a special gift to us because God knew we wanted him so bad. He is 20 now and a joy even though we did have some rough times when he was a teenager for a while! He can hug me and say Mama I love you and I melt. He is on his own now and every time he visits us and leaves he always tells me I love you Mama!
    Hey, I understand your pain to an extent, but look at it this way, when your sons narry, you will have 3 daughter in laws to spoil! And the possibility of grand daughters!!! Life is good and so is God!

  15. No judgement here. We have two boys. When I got pregnant the second time I knew it would be our last so I wanted so badly for it to be a girl. The Dr said ‘It’s a boy’ at the ultrasound and I remember the distinct feeling of disappointment. Of course, it didn’t last – but that day it was undeniable.

  16. Katie says:

    I have one son. I’m pregnant with baby #2 and am kind of hoping for another boy this time, but that’s because I definitely want more kids, and would kind of like to have another boy this time and a girl later. I will also be sad if I never have a daughter. I know all sons will be great too, but you still miss out on the mother-daughter relationship. Hopefully you have either some amazing daughter-in-laws that you can share a bond with or grand-daughters to look forward to! I don’t blame you AT ALL for feeling sad about never having a daughter.

  17. Just happened upon your blog, and I’m so glad I did!

    That was very well said, and very understandable!!

  18. Emilie says:

    You know I can completely relate to you on this as I’m now pregnant as well with my third son. Both my husband and I were hoping for a girl and it was easier the first two times around. We didn’t find out the gender ahead of time with the first two so the “surprise” of their gender happened when they placed them on my chest. As soon as I saw them I melted and seriously didn’t care. But with the third we did find out through a gender reveal party. While we thought it was a strong possibility it was a boy we were hoping for a girl even though we love our boys and wouldn’t trade them for anything. After the party and everyone left I sobbed uncontrollably. Not because I was having a son but because we had always said 2-3 kids and we don’t plan on having any more. So it feels like I’ll never have the chance to have a daughter. Before I always thought maybe in the future. And because I’m still pregnant, I don’t have that beautiful baby to hold to make me forget.

    I’m so close to my mom I always wanted that same mother daughter relationship with one of my own. That being said, I’m very close to my boys and know that a lot of the things I always envisioned only being able to do with a girl (such a bake or play dress up) I realize my boys love too. Just know you aren’t alone and it is scary to admit those things, especially publicly so good for you!

  19. I love that you posted this. I felt the SAME way! I always wanted girls but after I found out that my second child was also a girl I felt sad that I would never have a boy. Both me and my husband are young and can still have children but we also have decided that we are done having children. I felt like I was missing something not having a boy. I also think that’s why I felt like I had less of a bond with second pregnancy. Now I’m happy I have two little girls and couldn’t imagine it any other way. BUT I honestly understand what your going through. You have inspired me to write about my struggle with PPD!!

  20. Jessica says:

    I felt the same way with my second child. My first was a girl and I wanted another girl when I found out I was pregnant with my second. When we did the ultrasound we found out it was a boy. I was so disappointed. I came home and cried and told my husband I hated boys. He must of thought I was nuts. I talked to a friend about it that had both a boy and girl. She said once you see your baby you’ll love him and be so glad it was a boy. I went to do the 3D ultrasound and I went by myself for some reason maybe my husband was working. And when I saw him on screen I felt so guilty and loved him so much from that moment.
    And never say never you never know what life will throw at you. My mom had 2 girls and when we were teenagers and off to college she got empty nest feeling and she adopted two biological brothers from Ukraine under the age of 2.
    Hugs to you.

  21. Amanda says:

    I have 5 children and I love them all , I would die for any one of thme in a heartbeat. But I totally understnad what you are saying and I dont htink there is anything wrong with your feelings. I have 2 bio sons, and 1 bio daughter, as well as 1 of each gender that I adopted. And that is why I write to you.. You can have a daughter, one that might not have a chance to ever have a mommy. In China people are refusing to keep their baby girls, hundreds of baby girls sit and wait for a mom and dad of their own. My children came from Haiti, there are also hundred if not thousands of children waiting for parents in Haiti, however Haiti is very hard to adopt from and it takes Many years… But if you want a daughter, and have not been given one, maybe it is because God already has a little girl out there somewhere who wants a mommy and he thought you would be perfect for her.

  22. Michelle jadaa says:

    I had a boy,i was relieved because i knew hubby’s family would want a boy but i secretly wanted a girl.I sew and and just imagine all the girly dresses i could make.Theres much slimmer pickings of cool stuff to make for boys…oh well 🙂

  23. I felt the same way you did when I found out I was having a girl and for all the reasons you want a girl, are the exact reasons I did not want to have a girl. And, then she came. (hugs)

  24. And if you were a guy with a house full of girls disappointed over not having a son no one would think twice about it.

    I get it. I have two little boys I love dearly, but I’ll never have a daughter either.

  25. I know just how you feel. As you know I am a mom of three girls. I come from a boy dominated family so with my oldest I was thrilled to learn that finally there would be another little girl. I went nuts shopping for girl stuff and couldn’t wait to meet her. When I got pregnant with our second we did hope for a boy, but another girl. We were upset for some time and then we became logical that at least we were prepared and of course now I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our third was going to be our last for a while (or maybe done) and we swore there was no way she could be another girl. Of course she was and we were sad, myself especially. Growing up with mostly boys I was actually longing for cars and trucks and being around a little boy again. Of course the second we saw her she was exactly what we needed and love her all the same, but even still I really longed for a son.
    As you know I am just a few weeks behind you. Despite avoiding pregnancy and planning otherwise we got pregnant. We are finally being blessed with a son, but I was ready for another girl. I think that no matter what you will love your child, but you still have every right to be disappointed. Especially when you always pictured a little girl in your life and know now that the dream is not going to come true.

  26. Aw, honey, I’m sorry you’re sad. I have a boy and a girl, and they both make me equally crazy. LOL. Good for you for your honesty!!!!

  27. Katie says:

    We had to use alternative methods to get pregnant (IUI) so we decided fairly early on that we would have one child due to the costs with trying to conceive. Honestly, wanting a child so bad I didn’t care what we had as long as they were healthy. But deep down I truly wanted a daughter. I would have been ok with a son, I would have loved him as much as I love my daughter, but I know, like you, I would have felt some disappointment. I think it’s perfectly ok to feel this way.

  28. Sky says:

    Oh, sweets. I just want to hug you because when I was pregnant the second time around I so wanted a little girl. I’m not sure how I would have reacted if they would have told me it was a boy. And I totally get it, it’s not that I don’t love my son, I do. He’s amazing.

    Above all, I applaud you because you have the guts to be honest about it.

    Many hugs and much love to you….

  29. I think your reaction is totally normal, because you are handling it the way you should. I too would love to have a girl someday. If that’s in my cards, I don’t know. I remember almost crying at my last ultrasound because I wanted a girl so bad. Then I went to ultrasound school. I’ve scanned women who are experiencing their 7th and 8th miscarriage, I’ve seen women who have something devastatingly wrong with their baby, and I’ve scanned women who come in for follicle studies because they are trying so hard to be pregnant. I’ve also scanned those women who explicitly express their disappointment when it isn’t the gender that they want. I want them to be in the last scan of the women who just had her 7th miscarriage, or to be in the room when I a mom knows that her baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. I think my perspective has changed a bit working in what I do, but at the same time, I totally get it. Once again, I think it’s normal to have that bit of disappointment, it’s those moms who carry on with that disappointment and wonder if they will really be able to love that child as much as they would a child of the opposite gender. You’ve expressed how grateful and thankful you are, how much Sawyer will be loved and I don’t doubt that. So before you completely beat yourself up about being disappointed, think about what a good mom you will be. Thanks for being vulnerable and honest, it’s what makes mom really connect with each other. ((HUGS))

  30. Missy says:

    I know how you feel. I was sure I was having a girl, but was told at my last U/S that the baby is a boy. I have an 8 year old boy, who is smarter than he should be and SO much fun to be around, and I know what to expect with a boy, so I’m pretty sure the new baby is covered in any way he will need.

    I’m NOT unhappy that I’m having a boy, but I am getting my tubes tied when this little boy is delivered. I am only unhappy that I will never have a daughter.

    Unfortunately, I was supposed to have twins (I lost twin A at 13 weeks), and there’s a 50/50 chance that the one I lost was a girl, so… it makes it harder.

  31. Veronica Fulton says:

    I had 3 boys back to back. At the third’s ultrasound I remember breaking down in the car afterwards. But I think back and realize had I had a daughter then, I wouldn’t have my sweet Wyatt, because we said we’d stopped after our daughter. So I’m glad I was blessed with 3 boys first and a little girl.

  32. I could have written this post myself. While I love all 3 of my boys I do feel like I’m missing out by not having a daughter. After finding out that Brody was a boy and already knowing that was my final pregnancy it killed me to go shopping. I would spend hours looking at the cute pink dresses and crying because I wouldn’t have a use for them.

    Now that my baby boys is 4 and I have fully adjusted to the fact I have three boys and won’t have a daughter I look forward to those daddy and son outings. Those outings to go hunting or fishing, things that I don’t like, and I will have time to be alone and do my girly stuff. I’m to the point I’m enjoying being the only female in the house.

  33. JackieMacD says:

    Own your feelings and forget anyone who judges them. Period.

    “I dreamed of having a daughter. Of brushing her hair and teaching her how to french braid it. Painting her fingernails and getting her ears pierced. Putting her in dance class and seeing her in a tutu. Of her growing up and taking her dress shopping for her first prom.”

    I completely relate to this sentence. I went for the “girl.” She’s now turning 5 and wants a Spiderman birthday, refuses to wear a dress, demands her hair stay short and wants to play “football.” Even when you get the daughter, you don’t always get the girl.

    Best wishes to you all!

  34. Oh I know what you are feeling. I thought for sure Mica was going to be a girl before I knew. Then Isaak was a boy. I wanted my Savannah Claire. I wanted to have all those girl – daughter experiences to. When my younger sister Terra and I were pregnant with our 3 year olds now, I bought some girl clothes. I thought one of us has to have a girl. NOPE! She has 3 boys and I have 2.

    I have a cabinet of American Girls dolls, I was first on their scene. I was going to pass them down. I have no one to pass them down to for now. Maybe some day we’ll have grand-daughters.

    It’s ok to be sad! It’s ok to want something different then you have and still be glad you have what you’ve got. Ok I know that was a total run on sentence!

    When I’m feeling down about it, overwhelmed with sound effects or singled out because I’m the only girl, I think about these things: Mica little the Little People. They are dolls. Mica likes to dress up. Sure it’s not pink tutu’s, but he has a fireman suit, a super hero cape, a pirate outfit, a cop outfit and more. They both like Disney Princess movies. They’ll watch Sound of Music with me. Isaak carries around a bowl full of plastic babies; the kind that they have at baby showers. I’ve had them for months and he plays with them. Yes they are boys, but they have girly traits sometimes.

  35. Megan says:

    I totally understand your feelings. I think I’m come to terms with it since having my 3rd boy. I cried when I found out he was a boy. Just like you, I dreamt of all the amazing things I could do with my daughter. SInce I was a young teen, I just ‘KNEW’ I’d have a girl….and yet I ended up with 3 boys. I love them to death and I’ve had sooo many women tell me that boys are the easiest to raise. I’m starting to think I lucked out after all, I’ll have 3 loving boys watching after their mama. I think you & I are blessed like crazy! 😀 Big hugs, I really do understand.

  36. Bless your heart. That was a lovely post, and you said things perfectly. Of course you love and adore your baby. I’m glad you were able to share your feelings, because I truly believe you are not alone. I have just one child. I miscarried numerous times after. My heart aches for the loss of the babies but also for the loss of my son having siblings and our family being larger. I sure don’t resent only having one child. I am grateful for him, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss what could have been. Thanks for being so open. 🙂

  37. Frieda says:

    I have two boys ~ when I found out that my second child was to be a boy, I have to admit that I felt some disappointment. Then I told myself that, “hey, I know what to expect ~ don’t worry about it.” Well, this second boy is NOT at all like my first born in personality, habits, talents, or energy. He really threw me in for a loop and I wouldn’t have it any other way ~ both boys have taught me SO much!

    I have since then enjoyed baby sitting my twin nieces and getting to know my older nieces as well. I have “adopted” my new grandbaby’s mother as my own daughter. I know it’s not the same as “raising” a daughter, but there will be little and grown up girls in your life to love. Just wait and see.

  38. you have a right to feel sad all you want. Dont let anyone tell you differently. I know you are so overjoyed with another boy but sad at the realization that you will never have those mother/daughter moments. I have a girl and sometimes its not all that it has cracked up to be. Sometimes i want to strangle her for being so like me and others i want to smother her in love. But you can have different experiences with a boy that you cant have with a girl. Their will still be first dances and first heartaches and as long as you stay an open mom open to talk and help with problems then they will come to you with those situations. Please know that god had it in his plans for you to raise boys and you never know there may be a divine reason for your boys.

  39. Miranda Welle says:

    I think you were very brave to put this into words! I don’t “know” how you feel but yet I do….. We were blessed with a daughter first and then a son. And even though I think I would have been happy with any genders, I felt the yearning for a daughter. I think I would be having the same feelings you are if I were in your situation. Although, once the baby is born, I know that all fades away as well. Not the yearning for a daughter yet some day, but the disappointment with what is here now. Because those little babies are SO special and all else seems to fade when they place them in your arms! Congrats on your baby and I wish you all the best!

  40. I know just how you feel. I have 4 boys! I always dreamed of having a daughter. I even saved my Barbie dolls to pass on to her. With my first child, I didn’t find out the gender during pregnancy because I honestly didn’t care what I had. But with the others, I wanted to know so I would have time to adjust and wouldn’t experience that letdown at delivery. Of course, I absolutely adore my four boys and wouldn’t trade them for anything. But I’m always a little jealous when I hear that someone is pregnant with a girl. There are many experiences that I’ll never have because I don’t have a daughter, and my husband doesn’t want to adopt. (He’s not against adoption, just more kids!) So, it’s okay to feel sad about this. I just try to focus on the wonderful blessings I have, which are many. And remember that there are also people who are jealous of us for having boys!

  41. Dee M. says:

    Jennifer, don’t let the opinions of others get you down. Everyone will always have an opinion on everything under the sun. But that doesn’t mean that it’s right! Pregnancy causes all kinds of different thoughts and emotions and I am quite sure this is very hurtful for you. You’ve always had the thought of having a daughter and now you are crushed that it’s never going to happen. To be upset is quite normal. Life is taking you in a different direction than you had hoped. Just don’t let it get you so down that you become depressed and withdrawn. Remember, that baby that’s growing inside of you is a true blessing and I am sure you will love your son just as much as you would have loved a daughter. Being a mother of both daughters and a son, I can honestly say that I love each and every one the same. There are differences in all of my children regardless of sex. And I can honestly say that each sex has it’s positives and negatives. But they are my children and I love them more than anything in this world. Sure it’s fun doing your daughters hair and nails and dressing her in pretty clothes and all of that but there are fun things you can do with your sons as well. I’ve learned a lot from my son, being that I am a female. There have been and still are things I never knew about males until I had him. And to be honest, he is much more loving and considerate of me than my daughters. I guess you could say he is mommy’s boy and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. He’s not girly, just very considerate of my feelings, even when I’m sick he’s very attentive to me. My daughters are not. Even though my son is 17 he will always be my baby and there is nothing that will ever change that. Nor would I ever want to. Those boys you have, THEY were the babies that you were meant to have. And YOU were meant to be THEIR mommy and if that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will. Big HUGS!!!

  42. I am so sorry that people have made you feel bad about your sadness over not having a daughter before you finished having kids. How tragic and wrong of them! *hugs* My husband and I were both totally sure this little (infertility miracle) baby was a boy, and as much as I would have loved having a son (and still hope to someday), I felt a twinge of guilt at how my daughter-wishing heart leapt when they said “it’s a girl” (we’re due in April with our first). I understand, simply from that, and I know that’s not even quite enough. Blessings to you, dear 🙂

  43. Katie S says:

    Oh, I forgot to mention that my mom had an ultrasound with her third baby (not too common back then) and was told she was having a third boy. She went home and cried. To my parent’s surprise, baby #3 was actually a girl! She said she was so excited in the hospital she kept opening her diaper all night long just so she could see once again that it was “still a girl!!” Hahaha! Little did my mom know that the next 3 babies would be girls too! (so total, 2 boys and 4 girls!) Anyway, the point is, she experienced the same disappointment at the ultrasound.

  44. Alicia says:

    As the mom of three boys, I just want to add a little something. While it is perfectly natural and normal to grieve the idea of never having a daughter, please at some point let it go. I don’t think there is anything as sad a mother who has grown sons and laments over never having a daughter. It seems almost disrespectful to her sons that they were never enough. I have no doubt that you love all three of your sons and I understand the pain at giving up the “girl dream”, but please don’t let it haunt you.

  45. Rebecca L says:

    As you can obviously see, you are not alone. I had my first, a little girl, which I was happy about, but our second one.. our planned one, we wanted a boy. A little rough and tough little bruiser to play around with… I had another girl… I LOVE her to pieces and couldn’t imagine life without her, but don’t think for one second that I am not going to try for another one… just afraid it might be another girl. Oh, the drama and crying in the house there would be with 4 girls in the house??

    Great Post.. Thanks for sharing what other moms WANT to say, but don’t have the balls to say.

  46. bonnie says:

    OH MY SWEET CHILD, I was like you when I was young.. I wanted a daughter, I wanted the mommy daughter connection, I dreamed of a daughter and my first child was my son, I cried.. The men in the family were so happy a boy to play ball with to build things with and all the while I cried.. I fell in love with that funny, chubby, bald guy, his smile warmed my heart… but I still ached for my daughter.. 3 yrs later we decided it was time to add another family member, but no luck, nothing was working, so test after test after test, I would hope all month and when my monthly time came the water works started again, now I just wanted a child…But then it happened, one of those tests showed both my tubes were blocked so surgery was scheduled and what did they find, cancer… I would no longer be able to have a child, I was now in a fight for my life, now I just wanted to raise my son, to watch him grow… The treatments worked and the cancer was gone and so was my chance of ever having a baby.. We did try to adopt, not once but twice and both times the mother’s changed their minds.. My husband and I stayed together a few more years and then we went our separate ways… As my son grew I watched as he became a man, he dated one girl all through High school but they slit right before prom and it broke his heart, but he fell in love again and married, I now had my daughter, and soon she was expecting a child of their own.. the baby came three months early, she was so tiny, only weighted 3 lbs, but she was a fighter… I now had a grand daughter… in the years that followed there were three more Girls added to that family, WOW was I blessed. I now had 4 grand daughters to love… I remarried and he had two daughters with his ex and they had also adopted 4 other girls in their time together.. 6 more girls to love, and let me tell you that I now have 25 grand children and 20 of them are girls, we also have a great grand daughter and a great grandson… so my dear, you see you will have a daughter in your life, and when the grand children come you will be amazed how different it is. They are special gifts and you don’t have the stress of raising them, you just love and spoil them…

  47. I am sorry you have been made to feel bad for wanting a daughter. I also want a daughter and I am actually a little fearful to find out what I am carrying because I don’t want to be disappointed if it is a boy. I am super happy to have a baby and be able to raise 2 wonderful children, but I think it is normal for most women to want a girl at some point. I hope and pray that my baby is a girl, but don’t really know how I will react if its a boy afterall. I don’t want to be sad and I don’t want to cry because no matter which gender this baby is special, but I think its human nature to cry and be upset when things are not what you expected. Good luck with your wonderful bundle of boy joy.

  48. Marie says:

    No one should make someone feel bad about their feelings/emotions — what you feel isn’t “wrong”, it’s just how you feel and you should be allowed that. My DH very much wanted our second child to be a daughter like our first child — he did not want a son for various reasons some of which made very little sense to me, but which I accepted as being how he felt at that point. He loves and adores our son as much as our daughter but even now he will sometimes wistfully say he wishes we could have a third child and that it would be a girl.

    It’s funny because my big “fear” when I found out I was having a daughter was that she would be a girly-girl which I am not at all 🙂 I lucked out because my daughter is more of a tomboy but I really worried about that during the pregnancy — sounds rather silly I guess, and I’m sure others would have judged me for worrying about something like that, but it was what I felt at the time and that was that 🙂

  49. Mujer, delay and derail that disappointment because before you will come the perfect daughter -a granddaughter. There’s a reason there’s a GRAND in front of daughter. It’s a love that will bring you all you have stated, but you don’t have to go through first hand the female teen angst and drama that goes with it! The best is yet to come.

    BB2U

  50. I’ve been there twice!! Each time I swear i was having a girl and turned out to be a boy. I’ll never know what it will be like to look into My flesh in blood daughters eyes but I do have 3 boys that GOD Blessed me with and for that I will be forever grateful.

    Although I’m sure your really sad about losing out on those things you longed to do with a daughter I only can say that hopefully when the time comes and your blessed with lots of granddaughters that you’ll certainly spoil them 100x over because they will be so very special. I know your thinking my gosh that’s so far away but the truth is life flies when your having fun and she’ll be here before you know it but until you’ll bake treats, play ball and race around the back yard chasing those little feet.

    It took me adopting a baby girl and spending HOURS with my nieces to be able to share that time with them while it’s now all over in a blink of an eye because they don’t want me doing hair any more , picking out their clothes or painting their nails my boys always want me to hang out and make them tasty treats and give me hugs and kisses for ever.

    I’m sure you will get all those too and feel just as blessed as you are today with the boys you already have. HUGS

  51. Kelly Lebo says:

    I’m sorry they have no right to make you feel guilty. I have friends that have went through this. My best friends sister went through this 2 years ago 3rd child had her heart set on having a boy was tired of everything boy she loves them just wanted a girl. The day she got the news she cried for days, it doesn’t make you any less of a mom for wanting a girl.

  52. I’d like to make a suggestion. It’s not the same as having your own daughter, but it may help ease some of the pain. It could mean the world to a little girl if you were to big sister her. Or see your local orphanage about respite. You would be able to share girly things with her and maybe bridge a permanent bond and be able to watch her grow with the influences that you made, realizing how different her life may have been without you.
    The sooner the better. You could change a little girl’s life!

  53. jules p says:

    I am SO glad you spoke what is on your mind. And I truly understand your thoughts. But mine are in reverse. I had two girls. And not that I ever was sad for having two girls, I have always wondered what it would be like to have had a boy. Well…I am getting my answer. My oldest is 21 and her boyfriend (which seems more like a son-in-law to me) is the kindest thing to me. He is so sweet, brings me presents, texts me kind notes, etc. My other daughter is 17 and her boyfriend is 19. He is sweet also.
    So…I guess what I am trying to say is…look to the future (which will be here before you can blink your eyes) and see those boys will bring home sweet girls that they will want for their wives. And wah-lah…you have a daughter. She can cook with you, shop with you, laugh with you.

  54. It’s so hard not to feel guilty. And honestly, you don’t need anyone else to make you feel guilty, because you put the guilt on yourself. At least that’s how I was.

    When we found out our last baby was a boy, I walked out of the doctor’s office in tears. Instead of being thankful that he looked healthy and there were no complications, I was upset that I wasn’t getting another baby girl. {I was pregnant with my 6th child. At the time, I had 3 boys and 2 girls. I wanted SO badly to have our own little “Brady Bunch.”} When I told my youngest daughter that the baby was a boy, she got angry at me. Wouldn’t talk to me for days. {She was 4.} It only fed into my guilt, making everything worse.

    My baby boy was born last March, and I’ve got to tell you: he is the sweetest little addition I ever could have asked for. While I can’t put bows in his hair, I can cuddle with him any time I want to.

    I’m a firm believe that the Lord gives us exactly what we need – which isn’t always what we want. My husband is a wonderful man and an excellent example to our boys. I’m certain God gave me so many boys to put more men just like my husband on the earth.

    I’m so sorry you didn’t get the girl that you were hoping for, but I have every confidence that once you hold that sweet baby boy in your arms, you wouldn’t want to change a thing.

  55. Dawn monti says:

    A mothers guilt has no end. Your post is respectable .

  56. won says:

    Amen, sister.

    I had gender disappointment with one of my children. And then met the child and am so glad to be a parent to this child – my child. Wouldn’t want it any other way.

    I applaud you for having the courage to say what I have little doubt many others have felt.

    *And last night, I was in the bleachers at my son’s swim meet and cried. As much as I didn’t want to…the tears came. There was a mother next to me braiding her daughter’s hair. I thought of all the times I braided my late daughter’s hair and yearned for that again.

  57. Jennifer, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Firstly, because they aren’t in your body and secondly, they aren’t living your life. Every person, no matter who you are, where you live, race, color, age, is different. You have YOUR feelings and YOUR feelings are sad right now for what can’t be, NOT was is. I have no doubt you love that baby boy within you with every last fiber of your being, as well as your other two beautiful boys and that’s what makes you a fantastic mom. Everyone mourns for things in life-the loss of a loved one, moving, change in general, and especially when life chapters come to an end. There is NO shame in that and by no means does that make you a bad mom.

    Just know you’re the only one who truly knows what you’re going through right now and these feelings have to be felt in order for you to accept, repair and move on.

    Lean on those people who support you and cast aside those people that don’t-life’s too short for negativity in your life!

  58. I could’ve written this exact post, but for the opposite gender… I have 3 girls. My youngest is now 2 but right after I had her it was hard. Like you said I love my girls of course, but it was the dream of having a boy that died. And partly for me it was the feeling of disappointment of not giving my husband a son, even though he reassured me that he didn’t feel that way and loved his girls.

    And now that we have a 2, 3 and 6 year old daughter, I couldn’t imagine it any other way- I was meant to be a mommy to all girls! And now I’m actually a Great Aunt to my nephew’s son so I’m buying all kinds of baby boy clothes. 🙂 Kudos for being able to publish the post.

  59. Melissa says:

    Thank you so mmuch for sharing that post! I too am a mother of boys and have often felt guilty for feeling the exact way you’ve just said. As you said, I love my boys so very much but I do wonder what it would be like to have a daughter. Huge hugs!

  60. unknown says:

    You have literally taken words out of my mouth. thank you for writing this.

  61. Sarah R. says:

    I understand exactly how the author feels. I am pregnant with my last child now, and having 2 girls already, all I wanted was a boy. I’ve dreamed of having a son my whole life, but I especially was hoping this, our last chance, was a boy. Not only because I want a son, but because my husband is the last of his blood line. Without a boy, his name will die with him.
    So when the ultrasound revealed yet another girl, I wanted to break down and cry. I had cried for days with our second girl, and I was crushed to see “it’s a girl!” on the screen this time.
    That doesn’t mean I don’t love my girls, or that I won’t love this baby as soon as I hold her (I already love her now)… but I can’t help but be sad that I will never hold my son in my arms, never watch him grow up…My husband is done having kids and doesn’t ever want to try again. He’s getting snipped after our baby is born.
    So i hope my friends and family will allow me to grieve the loss of the son I’ll never have, and understand how sad it is for me, but also understand that I love my little girls to pieces.

  62. Rachel Clark says:

    I have 2 boys and 2 girls-after 9 attempted pregnancies. Our children are girl, boy, boy, girl. I was thrilled to be able to give my oldest daughter a sister, but I have always felt inadequate when it comes to being the mother of daughters. I was an only girl, my mother was an only girl and she never did figure out what she was suppose to do with me! I was so scared I would ruin my daughters. They have grown into wonderful young women. I hope I had something to do with it! I applaud your honesty!

  63. Candice says:

    With any luck, your boys will give you some beautiful granddaughters to spoil one day! *Hugs*

  64. Lauren Brown says:

    When I saw the title of this post I knew that I had to post because I too have felt this same way. Except with my I was disappointed that I was having a girl and even a lil depressed after she was born. Of course now I wouldn’t trade her in for a hundred boys and love her more than anything. I think this is something that ALOT of moms experience but of course are embarrassed or ashamed to admit.

  65. Shayna says:

    When I first got pregnant I was hoping for a little girl. I was definitely disappointed at the ultrasound when I found out I was having a boy. Now, my son is 2 yrs old and I am so glad I am loving every minute with my little man !!! And, hey, maybe the next one will be a girl..

    shebebes@yahoo.com

  66. Rebecca Parsons says:

    I too had the feeling of a bit of a letdown. I wanted a boy with all three of my girls. I got to my last pregnancy thinking this is it I sure hope it’s a boy. Nope! My doctor didn’t help by saying well looks like another prom dress to buy. I burst into tears thinking I will never have that little boy. It felt like I was being selfish and spoiled too, but I felt better after I came to terms with it. Your pregnancy hormones are all crazy so don’t worry you are allowed to feel how you want. We all know that when our children are born it won’t matter what we wanted our love takes over.

  67. Amy W says:

    I am pregnant with my second (and maybe final) child. I have a son already and desperately want a daughter this time. I will love my child no matter what, but I have always wanted a daughter to teach all of the things my mother and sister taught me..

  68. Wendi S says:

    I get it! It is continual for me. There are still times I notice a mother and her daughter and think I won’t get to do that either. I have 3 boys my youngest is 5 and adopted. I asked for a child and just like if I had given birth I left the gender in my gods hands. God gave me another son. I was so lucky and happy! But I also thought of not have a daughter to have that closeness with like I had with my Mom. There are different thing I always wanted to do with my daughter that just won’t happen. When my boys and my big boy hubby are acting like “GUY’S” I feel lonely. I hope for daughter in laws that would let me be a part of some of these things. Ya never know. No judging I understand! One thing is Dad’s don’t sit around and judge each other. Mom’s do and their GIRL’S!!! So maybe we are real lucky!

    • Jennifer says:

      It’s continual to me. I still sit there sometimes and get teary eyed. here was just talk about a father-daughter dance and I thought how I’d never take photos for something like that…. which of course made me sad b/c it made me think about weddings…

  69. Joanne Gregory says:

    I understand completely. It is my 2nd marriage. He had a boy, I had 2 boys and then we had another boy. I dearly love my sons. We decided to adopt a baby girl from Korea and have always been glad of the decision. She is my very best friend and mother of my grandson.

  70. I understand your feelings. I have one son. I couldn’t have any more children thereafter because of complications.

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